


Do You Feel It

by astral_babe



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Self-Harm, The Darkling is still a tragic mess, University, also a lot of cute, no joke a lot of angst, super angst coming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-01 01:01:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13987077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astral_babe/pseuds/astral_babe
Summary: Aleksander is starting to break down and Alina struggles with the realisation that the more she tries to keep him together, the more she breaks, too.full of a manipulative, toxic relationship and onesided attempts at healing





	1. Before

Alina often worried about Aleksander, he hadn’t changed since they’d met, not really, but the crescents under his eyes had grown darker each day she saw him. He still had this eloquent stride to him, his words carefully thought out and delivered with a smile so smooth Alina struggled to find any fault in his facade. 

But that’s exactly what it was, a facade. She saw the darkness in him now, though it was obvious it had always been there, a dangerous glint in the back of his eyes, in his smile as he bared his teeth. Maybe he was born on a night where they left the windows open and a storm crept into his soul, because he was all bad dreams and tired eyes, staring up at her from the stairs leading up to her apartment. Nothing had changed about this scene, he had always waited outside for her even though he had a key, it was only now that she saw the obsession in his eyes. He lit a cigarette, taking a long drag and letting the smoke drift around him like skeins of haunted darkness. 

“May I?” Alina asked, eyes flicking down the the cigarette between his slender fingers. She knew the answer, but she followed the pattern of their meetings. 

“They’ll kill you,” Aleksander replied, leaning back on his elbows, his smile crooked and impossibly handsome. Alina used to live for that smile, for the joy it brought her to see him happy, now it only inspired dread and concern. The smile didn’t reach his eyes, his eyes that were the same grey they always were but somehow now reminded Alina of a starless sky. 

Alina breathed out a dry laugh, stepping passed him to unlock her front door. She didn’t know if she wanted him to come inside but he had to, it didn’t feel right to send him away right now, she was concerned but didn’t know how to breach the subject. Most of all, she didn’t know how he would react, and it was the hint of danger, a hidden kind of anger that clung to her boyfriend that she wasn’t sure she wanted to see just yet. 

Something inside of her hurt to think this way, to see Aleksander in such a new light that made her wonder about his mental health. It hurt like the feeling that came with the calm before a storm, like rainclouds hurt before they broke open but she moved through her living room with a painful familiarity. Aleksander sat on her couch, stubbing out the cigarette before it would stink up the apartment as Alina sat her bag down, shoulders aching from he weight of her textbooks. She moved towards the couch, ignoring the feeling in the pit of her stomach that screamed at her to run away, instead settling under her boyfriend’s arm like usual. She wanted to ask him if he was happy, if he had ever been happy, but the vacant look on his face as he watched the netflix documentary answered that for her. He was going dark, again, though she wasn’t supposed to know about that. Alina’s meeting with his mother had revealed almost too much for her to handle, but Alina didn’t want to up and run like Baghra had recommended. 

“When he hurts you,” she hissed, eyes dark and piercing, “and he will eventually hurt you - don’t look back. Leave,” 

Alina wanted to ask him if he’d meant it the first time he kissed her, or if he just meant to find something to take away from his pain because good god did he flinch when she cried the morning Ana Kuya died. He needed Alina to not to show him anything other than happiness, because he had enough pain inside of him to be able to handle any of hers. Alina could see what Baghra had meant when she said that he was so incredibly, insolvably sad inside. 

She wanted to ask if maybe he cried so loud when he was born that he woke the dead and now a ghost lives with him in his head. Alina chewed on her lip, no matter how unsure or worried she was for Aleksander, she still loved him, still wanted to do anything and everything she could for him. Cursing Baghra for getting into her head, Alina tried to focus on this things about her boyfriend that had stayed genuine, like the way he held her against him, tight with his arm draped around her shoulders protectively and sometimes, when she caught him off guard, he stared her with such wonder in his eyes that she could almost forget about his mother’s cruel words.

“Too soft,” Baghra spat. “When he breaks, and he will break, you will curl like the bark on trees,” 

Alina glanced up at Aleksander, his eyes trained on the TV though she could see him fighting the urge to fall asleep. What did he see in his dreams? Were they bad or was there just nothing but blackness? Aleksander had a way of making Alina feel alive, even in moments like these, like she was seven and at the top of a hill on Mal’s bike and halfway down he brakes stopped working. 

“This boy is a spinning top,” Baghra sighed, “and a bad choice wrapped up in one, disaster trails after him.”

Alina wanted to ask Baghra if maybe the problem was really that he didn’t just feel anything, much less love. Or if was actually just that she wasn’t good enough to keep his darkness at bay, but Alina didn’t think she could handle the answer. Because sitting there, next to Aleksander, there was nothing Alina wouldn’t do for him, and even though she sat there, tongue tied and confused, she wouldn’t curl under the pressure. She was there, and if Aleksander needed to break, she would be there to catch the pieces, but even though she wanted to speak, Alina said nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

_“When he hurts you,” Baghra hissed… _

Alina laid in bed, her breathing soft as she stared at Aleksander’s sleeping face. He looked so peaceful, his ivory skin smooth to the touch, the only imperfection were the dark crescents beneath his eyes. They remained, no matter how much sleep he got, they always stayed. Alina bit her lip, ever so carefully leaning up to thread her fingers through is dark hair. She relished in the softness of it, the shine catching the sunlight just right, revealing the the smallest of silver tints his black hair gave off in the right lighting. She didn’t want to think about what was going through her head last night, chalking it up to Baghra’s paranoid rumblings or a jealous mother. She and Aleksander didn’t have the best relationship and despite her tutoring one of her classes, Alina didn’t have any other reason to put stock in what she was saying. Aleksander would surely talk to Alina if there was anything wrong. 

Aleksander groaned as he shifted in the bed, keeping his eyes closed as he yawned. He wrinkled his nose as he lifted his hand to find Alina’s, his cool fingers intertwining with the one she still held in his hair, bringing them to his mouth. Alina bit her lip as Aleksander brushed his lips over her knuckles.

“Morning,” he breathed, opening his eyes to blink the sleep away, “what?” 

“You look weird when you sleep,” Alina smiled as Aleksander rolled his eyes. She knew if she’d told him exactly what she was thinking he would hold it against her for the rest of the day, and she refused to give him the leverage. 

Aleksander dropped her hand, moving to wrap an arm around Alina’s waist, pulling her flush against his chest as his lips met hers. Alina melted into the kiss, his fingers warm against her skin as they drifted down passed the skin at her waist to pull at her thigh, draping her leg over his hip. 

Alina lost herself at the feel of his hips against hers, his arms wrapped around her, drowning in the feeling of his mouth trailing kisses down her neck and across her collarbones. Aleksander rolled them across the bed until he hovered over Alina, her fingers trailing up his arms, goosebumps raising with each touch. 

“Do you love me,” Aleksander whispered against her neck, his tongue teasing after nipping at her skin. 

“Yes,” She whispered, back arching up into him. Aleksander pulled back, gazing down at her, and if Alina didn’t know better, she would’ve thought she saw something akin to fear in his eyes. 

“I’d die if you didn’t,” he whispered, eyebrows knitting together briefly before gripping Alina’s hips so tight she knew there’d be marks later. 

_“and he will eventually hurt you…” _

This isn’t what Baghra meant and Alina tried to push it from her mind but something held her back. There was something in the way Aleksander had looked down at her, something in the way he gripped her so tightly, almost possessively, as he trailed his teeth dangerously down her throat like he was trying to keep her still. That feeling crept into her stomach, the calm before the storm, and Aleksander dragged his nails down her thighs as Alina desperately tried to focus on the tongue that wound it’s way down her chest. She wanted nothing than to lose herself in this moment, the feel of his tongue against her skin, his body warm on top of hers but she felt the possessiveness of him mark her and Baghra’s voice haunted her thoughts, completely taking her away from her boyfriend. 

_“Leave,” she hissed, “Don’t look back,”_

Alina sighed, dreading what she was about to do, though she couldn’t exactly place why. She’d often cut their fun short, relishing in the brief control it gave her, seeing the need play on Aleksander’s face as she sashayed out of the room. 

This felt different. 

Alina threaded her fingers in his hair, and tugged him back up to her. She pressed her lips against his in a rough kiss, feeling smug as his arms wrapped around her waist once again, albeit a little too tightly, but exactly where she wanted them. She rolled them over effortlessly, pulling back, she winked at her boyfriend, placing one last kiss to his check before slipping off of him. Aleksander groaned at her absence, throwing a forearm over his eyes, realising he’d lost. 

“Why do you do that?” He whispered, his voice laced with irritation and amusement. 

“For the fun,” Alina smirked, though she couldn’t help the feeling that rolled in the pit of her stomach. 

She couldn’t believe she had let Baghra get in her head. 

—

Alina weighed up her the options silently in her head as she put the kettle on to boil, setting two cups on the bench in front of her. Either she continued on trying to ignore the feeling inside of her, ignore the pull that said something wasn’t quite right with Aleksander, or she outright asked him what was going on. She could tell him that she’d noticed a change, a darkness inside of him that had started to seep through his calm exterior, but the thought of doing so honestly terrified her. 

What if he wasn’t okay? what if this opened a can of worms that could never be closed and their relationship would never be the same again? What if Aleksander was never the same again? She knew it wasn’t an excuse that validated her deciding to ignore his obvious need for help, but she wanted to believe that this wasn’t a big deal. 

“Aleksander,” she called, setting two bags of tea into the waiting mugs to steep, “Can we talk for a bit before class?” 

Alina carried the mugs to the small table that sat in the corner of her modest living room. Studying full-time and only working part-time meant she couldn’t really afford a better place, but the rent was cheap and that was all she cared about. She had to get to class in an hour and should be surely be shot if she missed another lecture. Aleksander had taken to keeping her home, tempting Alina with snacks and cuddles and times a lot funner than any class could offer. Aleksander emerged from her bedroom, clad only in his black sleep shorts, and Alina knew they had to have this conversation. 

“You’re not going to into uni?” Alina frowned disapprovingly as Aleksander shrugged sheepishly. He’d definitely let the ball drop the last few weeks, when Alina couldn't stay home to play he'd taken to disappearing throughout the day and returning late at night smelling of cigarettes, exhaustion clouding his granite eyes. Sure, he was completing his honours so class and campus weren’t as vital to him as Alina since she was still an undergrad, but she hadn’t even seen him so much as think about his thesis. 

“I’m worried, Aleksander,” she sighed, looking up to meet his gaze, “Baghra kind of-“

“You spoke to my mother,” Aleksander hissed suddenly, that hint of anger she’s sensed flitting to the surface. 

“She spoke at me more than anything,” Alina tried to diffuse the situation, help him feel less attacked but she was feeling completely out of her depth, “She just mentioned something happening a few years ago and I just wanted to let you know I was here if you needed to talk about anything,” 

“Alina!” he snapped, smacking his palm against the table and Alina didn’t like the way his whole body seemed to shake, “I just need a chance to breathe, that’s all, some time to think and rest and, and, Saints! I didn’t go through with it, I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Still here…” Alina trailed off as realisation his her like a freight train, but Aleksander showed no sign of calm down as he paced around the room. 

“That hag doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” he was breathless, panting as he raked his nails through his hair, “I’m fine, okay, I’m fine,” 

“You’re okay,” Alina stood, holding her hands up as Aleksander sucked in shallow breaths. She could see him start to sway on his feet, eyes wide with panic. Alina had not expected this, she had not meant to send him into a panic. All she was expecting was a self-conscious, sad realisation that she knew something was wrong, not this. 

“You’re okay,” she whispered again, leaning out to place a gently hand on Aleksander’s shoulder, guiding him towards the chair, “Sit down and breathe deep”

Aleksander rested his head in his hands, breath evening out as he sucked in deeply for three seconds and let it out. He repeated the process with Alina kneeling in front of him, whispering gentle encouragements. 

“I’m sorry,” he panted, “I’m usually… I can usually control it a lot better. It’s just been a while,” 

“I know,” she whispered back. Alina felt guilty, but bringing it up had been the right thing to do because at least now she knew, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Can I just be alone for a little bit?” he said softly, voice shaking as he struggled to keep it together. 

“Will you be okay?” she asked, knowing she wouldn’t fully trust his answer, but Alina knew he needed space to collect himself properly and though she was ashamed to admit it, Alina needed to process and think and research ways she could help because she had no clue where to go from here. Aleksander nodded swiftly. 

“We’ll talk later,” it was less a question and more a gentle statement that, no, she was not going to let this slide and he would open up to her, “I’ll be back tonight. Call me if you need anything. Text, email, saints come pull me from class, just promise you’ll come to me,” 

Alina waited for Aleksander to look at her before she left, she needed to see in his eyes that he understood that he could rely on her, that she would be there at any time he needed. Then she got up and let him be, heart aching as she left him panting and doubled over at the dining table.


	3. Chapter 3

Alina spent the day in an anxious flurry, zoning in and out of her classes while she stared at the phone that sat beside her books. She’d need to copy someone’s notes later but that was fine, she relied mostly on the class slides more than her own notes anyway. David sat beside her, glancing over at the empty pages of her book every now and then and she knew that he’d make her copy of his anyway, her friends really did take care of her. Alina’s heart sank a little, Aleksander didn’t really have anyone to do that for him, sure David and Genya and Zoya were his friends, but more through association, after all he only hung out with them if Alina was there. 

Maybe she should get David to take Aleksander out one night, or arrange a night out for all of them, but decided to table that idea until she was sure he was okay with it. The last thing she needed was to push into something that made him feel more self-conscious and uncomfortable. 

Alina spent the day waiting for a text, a call, anything that said Aleksander needed her to come home, but it never came and she wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing. She needed to find a way through the anxiety of this worry, to find a way to care for him and keep herself from spiralling with him because she could already feel the pull of the storm and it was all too easy for her to fall into stride with him. Her relationship with Aleksander was intense, they’d started off indifferent to each other, open ended questions, deep conversations and the strange sense of admiration she had for him had eventually led to a powerful bond between the two of them. They’d first hooked up in the closet during the engineering faculty’s ball one semester, and the weeks that followed were awkward as the two tried to keep their distance, but something kept him on Alina’s mind. Whether it was the sharpness of his cheekbones, the alluring depth to his dark eyes or the lean muscle she knew he kept hidden under clothing that was a size too large she didn’t know, but she needed to see him again. Turns out he had a similar thought and sought her out. 

“Why did you come?” she’d asked, certain he would’ve realised she wasn’t that much to fuss over the night they hooked up. He was beautiful, smooth, enchanting and Alina had tired eyes, too-thin limbs and coarse hair. They were opposites. 

“I wanted to see you,” he answered truthfully, his eyes shadowed with uncertainty, like he himself couldn’t place why he wanted to be here. Alina felt a smile tug at the corners of her lips. 

“What are you smiling at?” he asked, narrowing his eyes ever so slightly. She had only seen him confident, a commanding presence in any room but now he was on the front steps of her apartment, hoping to be let in by the most dull girl on the planet and for once Alina felt wanted. She turned around, peering into her mess of a place, textbooks and notes scattered on the coffee table, the secondhand furniture in desperate need of a clean but none of that seemed to phase him. Aleksander seemed to float past her, pulling the night with him as she let him into her home. 

“Well?” he asked, looking back at her. 

“Myself,” she admitted, moving to sit on the couch.

“Are you that funny?” Aleksander raised a thin eyebrow.

“I’m hilarious,” Alina deadpanned and the smile he gave her was enough to steal the air from her lungs. She felt lighter around him, like her world had turned upside down and suddenly she was radiant, like he made the best parts of her glow. In one look he could make her forget she was full of emptiness and self-doubt and Alina had never felt so incredibly alive. They’d stayed up all night talking about everything, she told him about Keramzin, the struggles of being an orphan and her best friend Mal, who had grown up with her. He seemed to hang on her every word, though he shared little about himself, she felt like he was genuinely invested in her as a person. It was only now that Alina realised she should’ve seen the way he curled away from her at the mention of orphanages and the low points in her life, like he could relate a little too well and couldn’t bare the memory. 

They just fell together so easily and by the end of the night he laid with his head in her lap, eyes closed as she ran her fingers through his silky hair. 

“I’m not much more than this,” Alina whispered, “You’ll get bored of me quickly,”

“I don’t think you know what you are,” Aleksander’s voice was deep and dark but he kept his eyes closed, “I’ve been waiting for someone like you for a long time,” 

He fell asleep easily, perfectly at home in Alina’s lap, her heart beating so fast in her chest she was positive he could hear it. Saints, it seemed like he belonged against her, and in that moment Alina wasn’t sure if she believed in soul mates but she knew how she felt around him and that had to be something. 

Alina snapped back into focus as David shut his books loudly beside her. She’d zoned out for almost the whole 2 hour lecture, but she felt renewed with a sense of purpose. A confidence that she wasn’t going to let anything happen to the boy that laid in her lap that night, the boy that pulled the shadows with him wherever he went because he had given her the lightness she needed to come into her own, and now it was her turn to be the strong one. 

“Are you okay?” David asked, a confused expression on his face as he watched her collect her things slowly, “Genya is waiting for us at the library,” 

“Yeah I’m fine,” Alina smiled, “let’s go,” 

— 

Alina had met David and Genya through Aleksander. She’d attended a meet and greet when he’d officially started his thesis and David had Genya on his arm, smiling politely as he chatted to his advisor about everything to to do with psychics. She was pre-med, though she had decided to take some time off to pursue beauty therapy, and Genya had found it a lot more fulfilling than her other interest. 

It was Genya who transformed Alina, showing her the wonders of a skincare routine, the right shade of foundation for her skin and the joy of hair-car oils, stuff she didn't learn in Keramzin, the other girls tended to avoid her. Though she would never be as stunning as Genya with her ivory skin, emerald eyes and auburn waves that cascaded over her shoulders, Alina at least felt like she fit beside Aleksander. They met once a week on campus to catch up while David made her copies of his notes. 

“You’d understand everything a lot better if you read from your own notes,” David mumbled and Genya rolled her eyes. 

“Why do that when yours are clearly more detailed,” she winked at Alina, “why do the work when you can copy someone who does it better,” 

Alina laughed, Genya’s easy going attitude was something she adored about her best friend. Alina had never had girlfriends before but she was certain Genya was as good as it got. 

“I pass, it’s fine,”

“You pass with doing near nothing,” David sighed, “Imagine what you could do if you actually applied yourself properly,”

“Guess we’ll never know,” Alina winked at Genya and the two laughed at David’s defeated expression. The two of them laughed and teased David for a while, falling into the comfortable routine of their catch ups, and Alina had finally started to relax until her phone buzzed beside her. 

Come home to me, Aleksander wrote. 

“Everything okay?” Genya asked, raising an eyebrow and the slight frown that knitted Alina’s eyebrows together. 

You okay? Alina wrote back but she received no response after that. 

“I’m worried about Aleksander,” Alina sighed, gathering her things together as she tried to keep the concern from showing too much, “He’s getting really depressed and panicky. I only just got him to open up this morning,” 

David tensed visibly beside Genya and the two girls eyed him like a hawk. 

“Do you know something?” Alina asked him, dreading the way David’s eyes shifted around the room. 

“Not a lot,” he said quickly, he and Aleksander had run in the same circle of people since high school, “He just got bullied and beat up a lot. Ya know, bad area, teacher mom and some kids thought he could get them answers to tests and stuff,” 

Alina nodded, not really surprised at that but it didn’t seem like something to worry about too much, until David sighed deeply. 

“He snapped a couple of years ago. No one knows what actually happened, Aleksander himself doesn’t remember the whole thing and I don’t blame him, but one of them died and he hasn’t been the same since,” 

“Holy shit,” Genya whispered, equally as shocked as her friend. She turned to Alina, “Are you going to be okay?” 

“Yeah,” she blinked in surprise, “I’m just gonna help him calm down and stuff,” 

“Well, honey, let me know if i can do anything at all,” Genya’s eyes radiated honesty and concern and Alina’s heat swelled at the sentiment. Alina couldn’t help but feel like David was keeping something from her, and she made a mental note to pry it out of him later, but for now she needed to get home to her Aleksander.

\--

Smoke drifted around Aleksander as he waited for Alina on the steps. He leaned back on his elbows, watching the sky above him, seemingly comfortable with the fact that the porch light had gone out. He sat in a pair of black skinny jeans, his t-shirt a size too big and it practically hung off his shoulders, the front tucked into the hilt of his belt. He was sexy, Alina thought, but as he sat there, smoke billowing from his mouth, he looked like he was somewhere else entirely. 

“Hey,” She called, reaching for his cigarette, “You okay?” 

He kept the burning stick out of her reach, smirking as she frowned down at him . He seemed… off, like he was intoxicated, drunk on the feelings that were crashing and whirling within him. 

“I am now,” he murmured darkly, “I just forgot how to breath for a moment,” 

“Are you sure?” Alina treaded slowly, already weary of how quickly his moods seemed to change. Her eyes flitted down to his forearm, to the little red lines that sat parallel to the crook at his elbow. 

_“When he breaks,” Baghra’s voice mocked her. _

She moved closer, steeling her expression as he reached out and yanked his arm towards her, knocking the cigarette from his grip. She had full view of the underside of his arm, of the several cuts that had begun to scab over like streaks of red that stood out on his pale skin. 

“Why didn’t you call me?” she snapped, panicked coursing through her. 

“I knew you’d be with Genya,” he sighed, like this whole conversation was boring and beneath him. 

“It doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with,” Alina snapped, “I told you to call me,” 

“You’re mad,” Aleksander seemed confused at her response, like it was so shocking that she’d be affected by him hurting himself. Alina stepped passed him, moving to unlock the door to her apartment. She sighed as she dropped her bag on the floor, whirling around to face him. 

“Yes, I’m mad,” she threw her arms in the air, ready to chew him out for being so dumb, until she saw him hovering in the doorway with his hands in his pockets, breath coming in quick blows. 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, achingly low, “I knew you were with Genya and I didn’t want to force you to come back. I’d already texted and-“

“You did that after you texted me?” Alina’s heart sank, “That was like 20 mins ago,” 

His mood had changed, again, the angsty rebellion replaced by an insecure sadness that she was afraid would verge back into the panic attack from this morning. He was a mess, an emotional wreck and the only thing Alina could think about was her laughing with Genya while he had sat in the darkness somewhere with a razor and his phone open to Alina’s contact. 

_“and he will break…” Baghra sang in the back of Alina’s mind._ 

It made her sick to her stomach. 

“I’m sorry,” Aleksander breathed, turning to close the door behind him. Alina shook her head, trying her best to block out anything inside of her as she moved to stand in front of him. He stilled as she wound her fingers around his wrist, lifting his arm once again to expose the cuts on his arm. 

“I’m here for you, Aleksander,” Alina whispered, trying to keep her voice steady and strong, “I want you to know that,” 

“I do,” he sounded so broken, so small and it took every ounce of strength not look up at him, because if she did she would break and give in to anything he needed. Alina leaned down, running her lips across the marks on his skin, waiting for him to relax before she pressed a soft kiss to the crook of his elbow. 

“Then know that I am here for it all,” she said sternly, “No matter where I am or who I’m with, I’m your first option before this, yes?” 

_“You will curl like the bark on trees…” Baghra just wouldn’t go away. _

She leaned back, forcing him to keep her gaze as he nodded, jaw clenching. Alina would not curl under the pressure, Baghra could buzz off and be bitter on her own. Alina sighed, lifting Aleksander’s arm to drape around her neck as she leaned forward to lay her head against his chest. Everything would be okay, Aleksander would be okay, this was just a bump in the road. This was just life, but she could’t shake the feeling that she was in for a tough time. 

Aleksander moved to wrap his arms around her waist, holding her against him firmly. Alina felt his breathing even out and he stood up straighter as something in him shifted. She couldn’t help the words that flitted through her mind at that moment, even Baghra’s memory refused to be ignored. 

_“That boy is a spinning top…”_ 

That he was, she’d seen him swap moods and masks multiple times since she’d gotten home and she wondered if it exhausted him as much as it did her. Aleksander towered over Alina, lifting a hand to cup her chin, lifting her face to meet his dark gaze. He breathed deeply as his hand moved to cup Alina’s cheek, thumb tracing her bottom lip. 

“You’re all I ever wanted,” he said darkly, like she was a toy he’d been waiting for all year, “Don’t ever leave me,” 

Alina didn’t have a chance to reply before his lips were on hers. He backed her up against the wall of the living room, his hand tangling in her dark hair as the other gripped too tightly at her hip. He was going to leave a bruise but she couldn’t hold coherent thought as his hand moved lower, squeezing her ass through her jeans.

“Aleksa-“ Alina moaned, bracing her hands on his shoulders as her knees grew weak. 

“Shut up,” he growled, leaning down to scoop her up in his arms. Alina wrapped her legs around Aleksander’s waist as he pushed her harder against the wall, trailing his teeth down the side of her throat. Alina threw her head back with an audible thunk but it didn’t phase either of them. She could feel the roughness in him from this morning, his nails that dragged across her thighs, the teeth at her throat as he ground against her. He was claiming her, controlling her. 

“Bedroom,” Alina gasped, aching her back as he shoved her T-shirt over her head to trail his tongue over her shoulder. 

_“and a bad choice wrapped up in one…”

“No,” he grunted, his hot breath fanning over her collarbones, but he positioned his hands under the backs of her thighs as he pulled away from the wall. Alina had to scramble to wrap her arms back around his neck lest she fall backwards but Aleksander only smirked up at her as the panic flashed over her face. 

“Don’t smirk at me,” she hissed, rolling her hips against the very obvious bulge in his pants, grinning deviously at the moan it elicited from the cranky man. 

“You forget, dear Alina,” he stopped at the small dining table, dropping her down onto the smooth surface, placing his hands on either side of her legs. Aleksander leaned forward, breathing darkly against her earlobe, “that i’m the one in control,” 

_“disaster trails after him…”_


	4. Chapter 4

Aleksander seemed to change over the next few weeks. With Alina in the know and ready to do anything, he’d begun to hide his depression less and less. HIs mood swings were hard to keep up with, one day he wound’t get out of bed, silent and cranky as Alina padded around him with caution. Other days he was chatty, hopeful as he spoke about getting out of the house and back into some hobbies as a way to ease himself back into his thesis. Something that had stayed the same, though, was the dark glint in his eyes, and the possessive growl that always seemed ready to crawl it’s way from his throat. 

On the days when he felt really out of control, he’d eye her dangerously over the dinner table. Some nights he’d take her Alina right there on the table or the bench, sometimes the floor, his fingers digging into her sides with his teeth on her throat. Other nights he lead her to the bedroom and held her roughly against the wall with her legs around his waist. 

“Whose are you,” he growled against the skin of her breast. 

“Yours,” Alina gasped as his teeth grazed over her nipple. 

“Say my name,” he snapped, how could Alina have screwed that up. 

“Aleksander,” she’d amend, “I’m Aleksander’s,”

It had become the norm, but Alina settled into the new routine either way. He spent more time with her than he did at his own apartment, he always ended up calling Alina or asking her to come over at some point so it was easier this way. They’d spend all day together, he’d come to class with her and wait outside with a coffee and lunch waiting for her. It was irritating not to have any privacy or space, even studying was an event as he sat beside her, reading everything she wrote or running his fingers up and down her thigh. It was distracting and Alina’s grades had suffered, even David’s notes weren’t helping when her mind was always focused on what Aleksander was doing beside her, or his texts or rushing home when he’d said he’d felt the urge to hurt himself. Eventually she just stopped going to class altogether.

She always tried to hide her frown as she noticed the thin red cuts along the underside of Aleksander’s bicep. He never hid them as well as he seemed to think, or he just wasn’t worried about her noticing anymore, but both bothered Alina all the same. She had tried countless times to find an alternative, rubber bands on the wrist, ice cubes, she even drew a butterfly on his arm and asked him to think of her whenever he thought about hurting himself, but he had just changed the place he did it. 

Aleksander kept a talley of over 100 lines somewhere on his body and that made Alina sick to think about. Today he was unfazed, the new cuts not deep enough to warrant needing covering but their presence was loud all the same. He was fresh, smiling widely at Alina as she moved to wrap her arms around his waist, forehead pressed against his chest. He’d spent the night at his own apartment after Alina had said she needed some time alone to study for finals, but really she just wanted to sleep alone for once, without him wrapped around her. Aleksander snaked his arms around her, stiffening as Alina blew every so slightly on his marked arm. 

“I told you to call me if you wanted to do it,” she whispered, feeling as though she’d let him down. 

“It was late,” Aleksander reasoned, his deep voice even, “I didn’t want to wake you,” 

“It doesn’t bother me,” she sighed, “I’d prefer it if you did,” 

“Next time,” he said and Alina wished there wouldn’t be a next time but she knew better. 

“I have to go out,” she sighed softly, a small part of her hoping he’d come if only for her to keep an eye on him, “Wanna come?”

“No,” he smiled down at her, “I might hang around and watch a movie or something,”

“You’re not going to keep working on your research? You were on a roll,” 

“My doctor thought maybe I should take the rest of the year off,” Aleksander explained and she actually kind of agreed, “I’ll go back next round, refreshed and ready, Baghra also agreed,” 

Alina guessed that was the benefit of having your mother as your thesis advisor. Either way, Aleksander could focus on his health and Alina could work on finding better ways to deal with the stress so she didn't accidentally push him away again. 

“That sounds like the right thing to do,” 

“Hmmm,” Aleksander nuzzled his nose into Alina’s hear, breathing in the scent of her shampoo, “Where are you going?” 

“Mal is in town for a bit, said he has some big news. He’s coming to pick me up,” Alina didn’t miss the way Aleksander stiffened at Mal’s name. He’d become a little possessive when it came to other guys, “we’re going to dinner with Genya and David,” 

“Sounds fun,” he said through his teeth and Alina resisted the urge to roll her eyes. 

“Finals are finally over so now is a good time for us to hangout stress free,” stress free for them, Alina thought, “You can still come,” 

“And be ignored while you and Mal buddy down, I’m good,” Aleksander let her go, stepping around Alina to sit on the couch. There was the cranky Aleksander, he probably wouldn’t talk to her for a few hours either way so Alina was keen to go out. She did, however, text Mal that she would meet him at Genya’s house so she didn’t have to deal with a jealous Aleksander trying to guilt her when he arrived. 

“I’m gonna head out,” She said, walking past Aleksander with his eyes trained on the TV, “I’m meeting Genya at her house now,” 

“No Mal?” He deadpanned, “You’re going to be late if he doesn’t turn up soon,” 

“He cancelled,” Alina lied, “He’s stuck in traffic so he’s meeting at the house,” 

Aleksander stayed silent as he raised an eyebrow. Alina knew he’d be waiting for her to ask him for a lift and something inside of her wanted to ignore him and just walk through the door, but Genya lived a 20 min drive away and it’d take her far too long to make her own way there. 

“Can you give me a lift?” Alina asked sweetly, leaning over the back of the couch to cross her arms around Aleksander’s chest. She pressed her lips to the crook of his neck, the knot in her stomach easing as she felt him relax beneath her. 

“Hmmmm,” he breathed, cocking his head to the side to give her more access to his neck, he didn’t relinquish his control this easily very often anymore. She rarely got the chance to tease him these days, “What’s in it for me?” 

“Well,” Alina purred, trailing gentle kisses up Aleksander’s neck, relishing in the shiver the ran down his spine as she placed the last one at the very corner of his mouth, “That’s a surprise,” 

Aleksander turned to face her, lifting a hand to tangle in her dark hair. He pulled her forward, crashing his lips to hers. Alina let him drag his tongue along her bottom lip, pulling back just as attempted to deepen the kiss. 

“To be continued,” Alina winked at the challenging look in his eyes, “If you drop me off,”

“Let’s go,” Aleksander grinned, shaking his head as he stood up to grab his keys. Alina knew that would get cheer him up, but something inside her felt… wrong. 

Alina followed Aleksander out of the apartment to his car. It smelled like cigarettes and sadness and his cologne, everything all too familiar and disturbingly comfortable. The air was still in the car, the rain speckled the windshield as they drove but Alina’s heart was beating a mile a minute in her chest and she could’t place why. It hurt, a genuine ache in her ribs as butterflies tore through her chest and Alina wondered if this is what heartbreak felt like. 

“I love you,” Alina said, looking over at Aleksander, his large hands resting on the gear stick. She’d said it to herself thousands of time over the last few weeks when the stress grew to be too much. The day she failed her midterms, when didn’t turn in her assignments or when she'd told Aleksander she was studying in the library when really she sitting by herself in the apartment with the lights off and the door locked incase he dropped by anyway. The cracks were beginning to show, she’d stood in front of the bathroom mirror that night with Aleksander’s marks littering her body, her frame returning to its stick-like thinness as she started to skip meals on the days her stomach felt a little too unsettled. Some days Alina even thought about just leaving for a while, telling no one what she was planning and taking some time for herself, but that would be disastrous for Aleksander. He had made her promise not to leave him and it was that love she felt that made her stay. 

“I love you, too,” Aleksander turned to smile at Alina, causing her heart to thump heavily in her chest. Her love for him burned, smothering everything inside of her. 

Maybe this was the awful truth about love, she thought, maybe you just had to fight through the emptiness that tore through your chest and threatened to shatter your fragile heart. That's what partners were for, right, to help you through the tough times, to fill those cracks with gold so you could see just how valuable you are, but Alina’s cracks were filled with shadows and they whispered to her. 

Always, they crooned, Aleksander always. 

She loved Aleksander, there was no doubt in her mind, but sometimes Alina wished she’d been able to tear out that part of her that made her stay. 

Aleksander pulled into Genya’s driveway, stopping just shy of Mal’s truck and Alina knew it was his simple way of expressing his dominance. He kept his eyes on it for a brief moment, before placing his hand just above the curve on Alina’s knee, giving it a slight squeeze. 

“I’ll pick you up,” he said darkly and Alina hopep no one would come outside to greet her, “Text me when you’re ready,” 

“I will,” Alina placed her hand on top of his, smoothing her thumb over his knuckles, “I won’t be too long,”

“It’s okay, just enjoy your night,” he said softly, eyes flicking to the door, “as long as you hold true to your promise,” 

Aleksander leaned towards her, his hand traveling higher up her thigh and pushing up the hem of her dress. Alina shivered at the hot breath that fanned across the side of her cheek as she turned to meet the dark eyes that bored into her. 

“What promise?” Alina hummed, her body tingling with heat.

“Don’t play with me, Alina,” Aleksander brushed his lips across hers, smirking as she shivered. He had Alina in the palm of his hand, melting in his arms and she found herself wanting to stay in the car and drive home with him but she could see her friends peeking through the curtains. Aleksander crashed his lips to hers in a brief kiss.

“Now go,” he demanded, “The sooner you eat, the sooner you come home to me,” 

Alina took in a shaky breath as she got out of the car, knees weak as she watched Aleksander drive away. It was like he could sense her pulling away and reached inside of her, like he knew exactly what part to pull out of her to leave Alina craving his very presence. She made her way towards the front door. 

“Hey, hon,” Genya grinned as she opened the door long before Alina had the chance to knock. 

“Hey,” Alina responded, smiling as she greeted her friend. She really had missed Genya, Alina had missed their last few library catch-ups and she hadn’t realised just how much she’d wanted to see her best friend. 

“You’ve lost weight,” Genya’s smile faltered and if it were anyone else bringing it up Alina would’ve been offended. 

“Jealous?” She joked, but Genya didn’t seem as amused asnAlina had thought. She was worried, Alina could recognise that look anywhere but there was nothing to be worried about. 

“Alina,” Mal called, rounding the corner with a stoic expression on his face, “I was already like, halfway to your house when you cancelled, everything okay?”

“What yeah, everything is fine,” Alina blinked, a little surprised they were converging on her in the door way, “Aleksander just got a bit jealous so I let him drive me here,” 

“I guess he’s going to pick you up, too, then,” Mal snorted and Alina frowned. 

“What does that matter?” she retorted, following him as he retreated to the living room. 

“Nothing,” he dismissed with a wave of his hand but he was clearly seething. 

“Why are you so mad?” Alina asked, ignoring David who stood awkwardly with Genya on the sidelines. 

“I always pick you up, Alina, there’s been no issue before,” he stared her with hurt in his eyes, though Alina couldn’t figure out why, “I haven’t seen you in 3 months. Saints, Alina, you used to at least call me every week but you haven’t even done that recently,” 

“And why is always up to me to contact you?” Alina hissed, “If you’re so worked up about it when didn’t you try to call me?” 

That had shut Mal up. For years it had been Alina who’d maintained their relationship between his visits. She had harboured a secret crush for her childhood friend since they were children, but Aleksander had helped her forget that un-requited love in time. But now Alina could finally hear about Mal’s one night stands without the disgusting churn of jealousy in her stomach. Mal was nothing more than her oldest friend, though she still waited for the occasional visits but she loved going home to Aleksander a lot more. 

“It’s not just him,” Genya stepped forward, eyes kind as David’s mouth settled into a thin line, “We haven’t seen or heard from you in over a month, David said he didn’t even see you take your finals with the rest of the class,” 

“What the hell does he know,” Alina seethed, was this some kind of ambush? 

“Where you there?” Genya voice hardened, and Alina’s silence only condemned her further, “You haven’t been to class, you've failed exams, and you haven't even answered my texts,”

“Now that asshole is guilting you to cancel plans, dropping you off and picking you up like some weird claiming mating ritual bullshit,” Mal stumbled over his words, “Is he hurting you?” 

“No!” Alina protested, eyes stinging with tears as her gaze flickered between her three best friends. 

“We just want to make sure you’re okay,” David reasoned and Alina appreciated how he tried to ease the tension, she’d always a soft spot for him, “I know Aleksander is struggling and it’s hard to seperate yourself from that. It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” 

“I’m going home,” Alina said dryly, pulling her phone out to text Aleksander. He couldn’t have gotten to far in the last 10 minutes, “I don’t have to listen to this,”

“Alina please-“ Genya started but Alina glared at her best friend, hurt coursing through her veins. 

“I’m sorry that I wanted to be there for the man i love,” Alina hissed, struggling to keep her breath even. She’d never felt like this before, anxious, judged, like they’d held magnifying glasses up to her and pointed out everything she was doing wrong,”

“We’re not saying anything about that,” Mal said through gritted teeth and Genya shushed him, clearly annoyed at how he was handling the situation. 

“Sweety, we just think you’ve sacrificed stuff that’s important to you to take care of him,” Genya said calmly, almost condescendingly, “I’ve never seen you like this before. You look so anxious it hurts,” 

Alina snapped, tears slipped from her eyes just as Aleksander had texted her to say he’d arrived back at the house. Alina whirled away from her friends, making her way to the door as fast as she could without running, ignoring the calls of her name behind her. It was like everything was muffled, spinning around her as she took in ragged breaths. She was already out the door when someone grabbed her arm. 

“Alina,” Mal sounded worried but Alina couldn’t bring herself to look at him. 

“Get your hands off of her,” Aleksander growled from somewhere in front of the two. 

“Get fucked,” Mal snarled back, letting go of Alina’s arm. She felt the world spin before a familiar sensation crawled over her skin. Aleksander had her in his arms, leading her back towards his car. Mal shouted something behind her back but Alina had trouble focusing on anything other than the feel of Aleksander around her. 

“Thanks,” she panted, tucking herself comfortably into the passenger seat. Aleksander was silent, stoic as he sped away from Genya’s house. 

“I knew you shouldn’t have gone,” he snapped and Alina felt bad for making him rush around the place after her. 

“I’m sorry,” Alina whispered, shutting her eyes to focus on controlling her breathing. When they’d arrived home Aleksander got out of the car wordlessly, opening Alina’s door for her, leading her up the stairs and into her apartment. She was exhausted though she wasn’t sure why. 

“Are you okay?” Aleksander finally asked, his hands resting on her hips, “Why was Mal so angry?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Alina dismissed, she didn’t want Aleksander to know any of what they had said. She just wanted to lay her head on Aleksander’s chest and let him hold her all night. 

“He wants you,” He growled through gritted teeth. 

“No, he doesn’t,” Alina rolled her eyes. 

“He literally shouted it as we left,” Aleksander snorted, looking down at Alina with that dark anger in his eyes, the kind that sent shivers of anticipation and nerves through Alina’s system, "Was that the big news he had to share?"

“I’m not going to lie,” she sighed, “I wasn’t listening to what he said and it doesn’t matter, anyway, I’m yours,” 

“Absolutely,” Aleksander smirked, leaning down to crash his lips to hers in a hungry kiss. 

Always, the shadows inside of her crooned, Aleksander always.


	5. Chapter 5

Alina used to think that finding someone she loved would be terrifying. She couldn’t imagine finding someone to share her life with, to give them the power to hurt her, but everyone had told her that the fear of giving someone the key to your heart was well worth the feeling of love and stability. That’s what Aleksander had become to her, someone she was terrified of losing. He had made her feel like nothing could ever go wrong with him around, but she was starting to realise that maybe love was scary for a reason. Alina had let Aleksander become everything to her, but she was at the point where everything in her was alive with him and it was disturbing feeling. Alina could feel the hum of anxiety burrow deep in her eardrums as she stared at the ceiling of her bedroom, veins buzzing with the high of being with someone who Alina felt so much for it hurt. Alina listened to Aleksander’s breath beside her, steady and deep as he slept but she couldn’t seem to drift off, her skin was painfully alive with his touch. 

By the time morning came Aleksander had rolled away from her and Alina could finally breathe. Her skin prickled with his absence, every fibre of her being aching for more but she rolled out of bed, pulling the blankets over Aleksander’s bare torso. She pulled one of his shirts over her head, inhaling his scent as she padded out of the bedroom. Alina put the kettle on to boil, contemplating making some toast but deciding against it. Eating in the morning had made her feel sick these days, so she settled for coffee and ignoring the way her hands shook. Alina avoided mirrors, not wanting to see the way her arms had regained their stick-like appearance, her hair frizzy and dry. She had small bruises that lingered around the back of her shoulder, love bites, but they felt like scars. Teeth marks that rippled in darkness and sent shivers of heat down her spine. 

It was those marks that made Alina realise that she was broken. Broken and so in love with someone who clung to her like vines to a tree, sucking every ounce of strength from her until she was left relying on him for comfort and stability. She remembered the night she’d sent him away so she could ‘study’, but really she sat in the dark clutching her chest as she cried, feeling so horribly and irrevocably guilty for no reason. Alina knew she couldn’t continue like this, Aleksander was getting better but it was at the price of her health. She was stuck thinking about what would happen if she ended it, always going circling back to thinking it wasn’t an option and Alina didn’t know how to stop. 

She wanted to call Genya or Mal or anyone who could tell her to stop being a coward and do what was best for her but Alina was afraid she had burned those bridges. 

Alina was crashing and the train wreck of her emotional state was only picking up speed as the weeks droned on. 

Thursday rolled around and they were watching movies, Alina trying to ignore the way Aleksander kept a hand on her at all times. Thursday night she took her place between the sheets and by the time Friday morning came she was tired and breathless and ashamed of what she was doing, what she was allowing Aleksander to do to her. 

“Do you mind going back to your apartment, today?” she asked, stomach in knots as he frowned down at her. 

“No I don’t mind,” he replied stiffly, “Do you want meet me there tonight and we can stay there for a bit?” 

Aleksander didn’t like to be a alone much anymore but Alina felt like she needed it. She needed to sort herself out, so she coughed a bit to try and make him believer her when she said “I think I’m getting sick and I don’t want you to catch it.” 

He didn’t seem convinced but he waved to her as he drove away, never failing to guilt her as much as he unintentionally could. Alina was skidding out of control, her chest burning and her ribcage swelling with something she had’t felt before because fuck this, she thought, fuck destroying herself for someone who only watched her catch herself on their sharp edges. Aleksander loved her, but he never seemed to see what all this was doing to her despite all she’s done to be there for him. Alina made her way back inside, turned on all the lights and sat in her shower, letting the hot water run over her marked skin. Alina wasn’t going to invest more time on a toxic relationship, no matter how much love was there, she had stood to lose more. She was done being used to satisfy someone’s lust by shattering her own heart and coughing up the pieces when he wasn’t watching to spare him the guilt. Aleksander was strong, but he wasn’t hers anymore. Her Aleksander wouldn’t watch her slide downhill like this, her Aleksander wouldn’t heal himself by using pieces of her to patch himself back up. 

It was time for Alina to be strong, to put herself back together, she was going to go back to being herself and stop focusing on someone who’s kisses felt like drinking bleach. She was sick of constantly tripping over him, of acting like his touch didn’t make her skin crawl, of watching Aleksander live his live his life while Alina wasted hers on the sheets and on the floor and on her knees trying to get him to realise just how much of herself she was giving to him. Saints, Alina thought stepping out of the steaming shower and watching the sharp bites disappear beneath her red raw skin. Being with Aleksander was a storm raging inside of her, she could feel the electricity skitter up her arms; he was the reason her hands were always trembling but it was Alina who had destroyed so much of herself to be with him and that was on her. 

Alina’s phone buzzed besides her and she glanced down at the message that lit up her lock screen. A message from Mal. He had tried to call her a few times since the dinner but she ignored him. She was done with him, everything she thought of Aleksander applied to him too; he should’ve made an effort with her long ago instead of relying on her to keep their friendship afloat. She deleted the message and it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, Alina felt free even as her phone buzzed again beside her. 

Can we talk? Mal wrote, but he’d had more than enough chances to try and talk to her. Alina took her time with getting dressed, moving slowly and deliberately as she moisturised her dry skin and put a treatment in her hair. It wasn’t enough, Alina knew that but it was a start. By the time the sun had set, Alina had felt calm as she sat crossed legged on her couch. She couldn’t remember the last time she just watched TV alone without using the volume to muffle her sobs while he was in the shower. It was refreshing, and as her stomach started to rumble, Alina settled on ordering a pizza for dinner. She was going to eat it all, alone, and the slight pang of loneliness in her heart made her cringe. She would not call Aleksander, she would not go back to where she started, so Alina thought of sometihng something better. 

She picked up her phone, and called her best friend. 

Genya came over without a second thought, squealing as Alina let her into the apartment. They had missed each other, and Alina couldn’t help but cry a little as Genya wrapped her arms around her. 

“I’m so sorry,” Genya gushed and Alina shook her head. 

“I should apologise, I should’ve listened,” Alina spoke quickly, before she could chicken out, “I didn’t realise just how much I needed help, how much I needed someone to slap some sense into me,” 

Genya eyed Alina, her eyes filling with concern, “Honey, what happened,” 

Alina told Genya everything, about how she was always an inch away from crying, about the way her hands shook in the morning when she poured her coffee. Genya listened to it all, her expression open and caring and Alina realised this is what her relationship with Aleksander should’ve been like; full of understanding and love instead of desperation and sleepless nights. 

“I think I’m going to break up with Aleksander,” Alina said grimly, her heart contracting painfully in her chest. Alina didn’t even know if she could go through with it but in this moment she meant it. 

“Do you think that’s for the best?” Genya asked wearily and Alina nodded, “Then take some time to clear your head and really think about it. If, by then, you still think that it's what you need then do it,”

Alina wasn’t sure she wanted to give herself time to think about it but she knew that Genya was right. She couldn’t just up and end her relationship expecting it to magically make everything better, Alina needed to be 100% sure this was the right thing to do. With Genya’s help, Alina sent Aleksander a message, letting him know that she wasn’t feeling well and would like the next few days to herself to recover. Neither really wanted to lie to him but it was the only way he wouldn’t freak out at Alina asking for a few days apart. 

It didn’t take Alina long to come to the conclusion that breaking up was what she wanted. Two days of being alone had her feeling free, the marks on her body had faded and she had slept deeply and comfortably. She did, however, leave every single light in her apartment on all hours of the day, the TV playing in the background to counteract the silence and loneliness Alina felt swell in her chest. Alina met Genya every morning for breakfast, it was Genya’s way of both getting Alina out of the apartment and keeping up with how she was going. Aleksander texted her every few hours, asking what she was doing, how she was feeling, where she was and if she had been to the doctor. The messages made her heart sink in her chest and her skin prickle, it felt like he was watching her somehow and it made her uncomfortable. 

Four days into Alina’s alone time and she had received a voicemail from Aleksander at 4am. He cried into the phone, rambling on and on about everything he loved about her. The small freckle on her left cheek and the way she bit her lips when he ran his fingers over her ribs. Aleksander described how it felt to wake up beside her and how horribly, terribly empty he was without Alina. Everything inside of her shook, her lungs filling with air but Alina couldn’t seem to remember how to let it go. Genya shook her lightly, forcing Alina to keep eye contact with her as she breathed in and out in exaggerated, heavy breaths. 

“Do what I do, hon,” Genya said quickly, “Breathe in deep and hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, then let it go,” 

Alina calmed down, her eyes stinging with tears and her body yearning for Aleksander. She needed to go to him, to let him wrap himself around her and calm himself down but Genya held her firmly in place. 

“You won’t respond,” Genya said sternly, “We will text him in the morning, together, and you will go to his house the day after to end it,” 

Alina nodded, her heart rate slowing with every word. She never got the chance to go over to his apartment, Aleksander never responded to her message that morning but Alina tried to expel it from her mind. 

She should’ve known better. 

David called Alina the night Aleksander tried to kill himself. He had texted David, for the first time in months, and said he needed to tell someone what he had almost done, but not to worry because he wouldn’t try it again. 

“Does he need to go to the hospital?” Alina struggled to keep her breathing under control and David hummed over the phone. 

“I don’t think so but I’m heading over to his place now, just in case,”

“Thanks,”

“Are you okay?” He asked wearily and Alina knew he’d have Genya check on her regardless of the answer she gave. 

Alina took in a shaky breath, “I'm fine, David, just make sure he’s okay,” 

Alina hung up the phone and broke. The thing was, though, stuff like this didn’t just happen. It festered over time, swelled like a tick bite under the skin and sucked out every last emotion until the moment you were sitting on the floor, jaws clenched, completely silent as words found their way into your head. It was like every moment in the last few months had been building up to this exact moment and Alina felt it rip through her chest. 

He asked you to not to leave him. You were supposed to be there, keep him from doing stupid things but you told him you needed space and now look what happened, Alina thought, No, no, no, no, that’s wrong, that can’t be right, but she was a mess and suddenly she was choking, suddenly she was sobbing, suddenly she was on the floor of the living room curled up in a ball and nothing would ever be the same again. 

This has to be the end, Alina thought and she threw her phone across the room as Genya’s name flashed across the screen. Alina hated how she wanted to end everything, her mind went to the bottle of sleeping pills she kept for the nights so couldn’t quiet her mind and she hated that she’d sunk low enough to let the temptation form because she could never do it, never go through with it. The thought was a tease, a reminder of how weak she really was. 

Alina knew then that this was the end for her and Aleksander. She sat there on the floor, arms curled around her head and everything just seemed ridiculous. A knock came at her door, Genya’s voice ringing in her ears but Alina just stared at the floor because everything was so incredibly, hideously, alive. She hadn’t noticed when Genya let herself in with the spare key, running to her best friend’s position on the floor, relieved cries sticking in her throat as she realised that, yes, Alina was very much alive and hating every second of it.


	6. Chapter 6

Alina stood in front of Aleksander, hands clenched and eyes fuming. She was breaking, she couldn’t handle it any longer, the mood swings, the constant guilt, the feeling of uselessness as she failed over and over again to help her boyfriend in anyway. She looked at him, desperately trying to find a way through this, through the storm but she was drowning and he was still trying to cling to her for safety. 

“I’ll try harder,” he stared back at her, wide eyed and pleading, “I’m doing okay now, I can go back to doing it myself,” 

The words stung, they tore through Alina like the razors tore through skin, and she struggled to keep the tears from streaming down her face. She had never hated herself more then she did in this moment. They couldn’t keep going on pretending it was working because Alina just didn’t know how to seperate herself from it anymore; it was a fever that burned white hot and never left. Alina had started to see the pull of the blade, a physical way to ease the pressure that built up within and that was not acceptable. 

“It’s not healthy, Aleksander,” Alina hissed, “You can’t just do something like that and tell me it only made you feel better! How do you think that makes me feel? That everything i’ve done over the last few months has only kept you from healing because what you really needed was a good dose of medicine and a rope? I don’t think so” 

At some point Alina had realised that she would never come first, that she’d given up too much of herself trying to piece him back together, it had taken her a long time to realise that wasn’t healthy. This was the moment, the time for her to choose herself but good god did it hurt. She didn’t want to admit that what they had has died somewhere, between the fighting, the failed classes and toxic love. She wanted to go back to when they were happy, their fingers so in awe of each other’s bodies, their mouths hungry, endlessly searching for way to make the other person happy, but instead their fingers found scratched up skin and their mouths bit hard enough to bleed. 

“I am getting better though, I can control it so much better now can’t you see that?” he was calm, collected, elegant in his sadness as he reached for Alina. They had completely swapped roles and she hated that, more than anything, she had become the one who needed to be saved. 

“Yes! I can, but I can’t control myself anymore, Aleksander!” Alina snapped, tears streaming down her face as she shook. Her breath came in quick pants, her vision swimming as she forced herself to hold her breath to calm her heartbeat. “You might become a better man but I’ll become a monster,” 

Alina had always known about the monsters that walked around, the one that taint, break and violate anything in their path, but she never really understood what it was like to do that to yourself. She could’ve turned around, forced herself to use the advice that she had given Aleksander countless times, she could’ve raised cities from the wreckage of her heart; but no, no she wanted to destroy everything. Alina wanted the terrible rush that she felt swell in her hollow body. She want to hurt, to feel the end of everything she could’ve made with him, she needed to burn away the sticky ache she couldn’t wash off. That was the only way she knew how to get through this. 

“I love you, Alina, I’m not going to let you leave me,”

Alina had to sit down, struggling to hold her breath, her chest heaving up and down. She couldn’t calm it down, couldn’t find an anchor to hold onto and her vision had started to grow darker and darker. 

“This isn’t where we end, Alina,” Aleksander had moved to kneel in front of her, placing his strong hands on her chest to force it to stop heaving, “Breathe deep. In for 1,2,3 and out 1,2,3,”

Her skin crawled where he held her but she followed his directions, stomach twisting at the mere thought of doing what he wanted her to do, until Alina fell backwards trying to get out of his reach. 

“Please,” Alina whispered, “Just go, I can’t do this,”

“Do you really think you can go back to pining after guys like Mal?” Aleksander was elegant, calculating, beautiful as he embraced the darkness around him, “You’d only going to go back to the same, pathetic little girl I met. I can make you a better version of yourself, we can be great together,”

“No,” Alina sobbed. 

“Yes. I’ve seen what you truly are,” he said, cradling her cheek in his hand “a selfish little thing, but I’ve never turned away and I never will. Mal wouldn’t do the same, he got one small glimpse of what you’d become and he ran,” 

“Get out,” Alina stood, shaking as she stood by the door. She couldn’t take anymore of this, how could he be so cruel and still so human? How could she still love him? Not 10 minutes ago he was pleading with her to stay, now he sat on her couch, one leg crossed elegantly over the other as he met her gaze cooly, “GET OUT!” 

“Alina, my darling, I can see that you need space,” Aleksander smiled and Alina felt the hollowness inside of her shake her bones, “So i will give you what you need, because I love you, but you’re going to come back to me,”

Alina flinched backwards as he strode passed her, his pale frame cutting through the darkness around him, it was like he controlled it, used it as a cape of power. He turned his dangerous gaze back towards Alina, “Remember, my Alina, you will have no shelter but me,” 

Aleksander turned, drifting out into the cold night and Alina made herself keep her gaze on him as he got into his car and drove away. He would know that she was watching, he would’ve gotten some sick sense of satisfaction from knowing it, too. Alina looked back towards her living room, everything in it reminded her of him and it sent shivers down her spine. She tried to walk through it, calm herself down and continue on with her night but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched from the shadows, like he’d found a way to turn into the night itself to haunt her and Alina could not deal with the mere thought. 

Alina moved slowly, ignoring the unlatched windows, ignoring the phone that buzzed on her kitchen table and opened the front door, once again staring out into the night. The chilly wind whipped around her as Alina stepped out of her apartment and left. 

—

Alina managed to collect herself as she walked to uni. It was late at night, probably close to 11pm on a weekday so the streets were empty enough that she didn’t have to worry about people seeing her freezing and face stained with long forgotten tears. She didn’t know what to do, she could go sit in the 24/hr library on campus, but she’d have to look like she was studying or the security guard would kick her out. 

She couldn’t believe how hard she had broken, it seemed to surreal to her now that she felt in control again, but Alina cursed herself, feeling incredibly embarrassed by the whole thing. Aleksander was the biggest surprise though, his sudden change to a manipulative asshole had really taken it’s toll on her self esteem, her head still reeling with his final words. What did they even mean?

Alina looped through the back of campus, past the parking lots and bus stations until she hit the lake. It was her favourite place to think, but it was strangely creepy at night. The ducks sat in fluffy piles together for warmth, the croaking frogs were the only thing breaking the silence. Alina couldn’t see the ground and she wasn’t brave enough to sit down lest she sit in duck shit because honestly, it wouldn’t surprise her at this point. The lake didn’t feel right but Alina couldn’t tell if it was the night time feel of it or if it simply wasn’t hers anymore but both stung all the same. She tried to keep her mind empty as she walked, but she couldn’t help but think of Mal, of Aleksander calling her a selfish little thing. Alina had never wronged Mal, at least not intentionally, she was the one who kept their friendship going. They were best friends, foster siblings from long ago, but she never held her unrequited love against him, just like he shouldn’t hold anything against her, even if he did suddenly develop feelings for her. She had been in a relationship, he had crossed a line and Alina was done making excuses and putting herself down just to accommodate the men in her life.

Alina made her way into one of the many concrete parking garages, sitting down in a corner as she berated herself in her mind. How could she have fucked things up so badly, all she was trying to do was help her boyfriend and yet here she was, driven from her apartment with the only person she considered family hating her. It was perfect. 

The sounds of laughter broke through the cold silence and a chill ran through Alina. She had no excuse to be sitting here, she was not ready to sputter out a half assed conversation before scurrying away to find another place to stay out for a while. She sank further into the corner, praying that they wouldn’t even come this way but she had completely missed the only two cars parked in the lot. Another stupid thing to add to the list, she was blind as well as selfish and broken and useless. 

“Hey,” one of the voices whisper yelled to the group, “who’s that?” 

They’d spotted her. Alina got up, ready to make a run for it when they called to her. 

One of them asked, “Isn’t that Aleksander’s girl?” and Alina cringed. 

“Out for a late night walk?” Someone laughed, trying to angle themselves to get a look at her face. The group grinned and laughed, shoving each other aside as they hurried towards her. 

“Yeah,” she sighed, keeping her face down in an attempt to keep from looking like a crying mess, “Couldn’t sleep,” 

The group fell silent and she knew that she’d failed. She stood before them, shivering and pathetic and Alina wanted nothing more than to disappear. 

“Are you okay… Aleks’s… Girl?” one of them fumbled.

“Alina,” another finished and she looked up to see Nikolai Lantsov offering her his jacket. Nikolai had shared some classes with her, and some with Aleksander, it was a strange mix of classes considering Alina studied Engineering and IR and Aleksander was further into sciences and physics. They’d spoken on a few occasions, even studied together once or twice, though they’d never really had a full conversation beyond greetings and polite small talk. He was nice enough, a giant flirt but there wasn’t a trace of that as he started at her with concern. 

“I’m fine,” she mumbled, “I don’t need a jacket,” 

Alina stalked past the group, closing her eyes as she tried to calm the anxiety churning in her stomach. Saints she hoped they didn’t do something dumb like follow or her call Aleksander, but there was nothing she could do a bout it now. 

“So,” a voice said from behind her and Alina jumped a little, “Where are we walking to?” 

Nikolai draped his jacket over her shoulders, his long legs matching her stride easily. Alina looked behind her to see the rest of his group crowd into one car, honking the horn at the two of them as they sped away into the night. 

“We’re not going anywhere,” Alina frowned, hating the way she buried herself in the jacket, “I’m going for a walk by myself,” 

“Sorry, sunshine, but I’m obligated to follow that jacket anywhere it goes,” Nikolai shrugged, his smile crooked as he watched Alina out the corner of his eye. He laughed as she took the jacket off to hand it back to him, an involuntary shiver running down her spine, “I’m even less likely to let you freeze, believe it or not,” 

“I don’t need your help,” Alina snapped, silently thankful to be slipping the jacket back on. 

“I didn’t say you did,” Nikolai shrugged and the two of them walked in silence for a while, though Alina didn’t know for how long. Nikolai seemed unfazed with the whole thing, he hadn’t even so much as glanced at his phone or watch. Alina wasn’t sure why, but his presence was strangely calming, she felt almost normal and okay until she remembered why she didn’t want to head home. 

“I broke up with my boyfriend,” she said softly and a part of her hoped he didn’t hear, but of course he did. 

“Didn’t go well?” he asked and Alina scoffed, causing him to smile the tiniest bit. 

“You could say that,” Alina ran her fingers through her hair, “you could also say that it feels like he’s still in the apartment even though i saw him drive away but it definitely feels like I’m being watched and I really don’t feel comfortable going back there even though I was dumb enough to leave my phone,” 

“Sounds like a fun evening, if you ask me,” Nikolai shrugged, though there was a spark of anger in his eyes, but it didn’t elicit the same feeling of danger that Aleksander’s had, “Would you like me to accompany you home? Check the place out, kick his butt if he’s still hanging around?” 

Somehow, Alina had let out a genuine laugh as she shook her head. Nikolai really had calmed her down a great deal. 

“I could at the very least go in and grab your phone,” 

“I really don’t think I could handle anymore tonight,” 

“Then what’s the plan, Stan” Nikolai nodded in understanding, the ever-present smirk on his lips teasing Alina, “You certainly can’t spend the night wandering the streets,” 

“Can i use your phone to call someone?” Alina asked, hating the fact that she was relying on someone who was really no more than an acquaintance. 

“Sure thing, Sunshine,” he nodded, leaning over to fish his hand in the pocket of the jacket Alina wore. He pulled it out, Alina rolling her eyes as he offered it to her, “Let’s head back to my car for now. You may have been smart enough to find a poor, hopeless sod to con out of a jacket but i’m out of luck and it is freezing,” 

Alina dialled Genya’s number, cursing her best friend when she didn’t pick up. She shot her a text, asking her to call this number if she got the message any time soon but Alina would get Nikolai to drive her over there anyway. Genya was really her only option, she didn’t know David’s phone number or address so if this didn’t pan out then Alina wasn’t sure what to do next. 

“No go?” Nikolai asked, strapping himself into the driver’s seat of his car, turning on the ignition to get the heater going. 

“No answer,” Alina sighed, “Mind if we drive over?” 

“Not at all,” 

Alina gave him the address and the two drove in silence for a few minutes, but the thought of Aleksander was tugging at her mind. She could’e easily asked Nikolai to check out her apartment to confirm that she was just going crazy and should stop overreacting, but the whole apartment seemed tainted. She wanted to go to Genya’s, she wanted her best friend to hold her and promise to let her stay the night and take her home in the morning. 

Alina would deal with all this, she could, but she could’t help the feeling that she needed help. Alina muttered her thanks to Nikolai, surprised at how soothing his presence was.. Nikolai was weirdly easy to get along with and Alina caught herself hoping they could be friends. She sat silently in the seat, the night wrapping around the car like a blanket. Alina shivered, her mind going back to the thought of Aleksander on her couch, his eyes cold and unfeeling. He had changed so much and she didn’t know what happened to the loving Aleksander she knew. what was she going to do? He made it clear that he had no intention of letting her go, of letting her end this but Alina knew she had to stay away, she just hoped she was strong enough. 

“This is?” Nikolai pulled up outside a small house, the windows dark, “Her car is out front so she’s probably just asleep. I’ll wait to see if you get inside,” 

Alina sighed, mumbling her thanks as she got out of the car. She was scared to knock on the door, she was being a burden and she hated feeling like that. Alina paused at the door, her hand raised ready to know but something held her back. She felt Nikolai behind her, silently encouraging her to continue. 

“You can do it,” he said softly and Alina sucked in a deep breath, knocking on the door.


	7. Chapter 7

“Alina?!” Genya gasped, eyes flicking between her best friend and the stranger beside her, “What’s wrong? It’s passed midnight. Who’s this?” 

Alina sucked in a deep breath, her bottom lip wavering. She didn’t know if she’d be able to retell the story, she didn’t know if she was ready to admit how badly she’d broken and how much Aleksander had scared her. Nikolai came to her rescue once again and Alina willed herself not to cry. 

“I found this stray wandering the streets,” Nikolai’s half smile was light, sympathetic but still had that easy breezy tone about it, “I’m a friend from class, thought I’d check in. Sunshine, here, denied being cold even though she was pretty quick to steal my jacket,” 

“Don’t offer it if you don’t mean it, jackass,” Alina pouted and Nikolai grinned down at her. 

Genya frowned at the pair, horrified at what she was hearing, “Why in saints heck were you wandering around this late? Alone? Where is Aleksander?” 

Alina sucked in a hissing breath and Nikolai rubbed at the back of his head awkwardly. 

“Seems like the time to take my leave,” he said politely, looking down at Alina with no humour in his eyes, “I’m pretty sure I have your number buried somewhere in my phone, but please do call if you need anything at all,” 

“I will,” Alina nodded, her cheeks flushing as she handed him back his jacket, “Thanks for your help,” 

“Anytime,” he turned to Genya, “Pleasure to meet you, Genya,” 

“And you,” Genya smiled at him softly, a quiet thank you for taking care of her friend, and without another word Nikolai spun on his heel and made his way back to his car. Alina heard him drive away, a small part of her wishing she had gone with him, if only to avoid updating Genya on the recent events of her destroyed life. A cold wind blew through the both of them and Alina shivered, Genya’s steely gaze wavered a bit at this. She was mad, worried, but she could never stay mad at Alina. 

“Come on, idiot,” Genya huffed, “I’m exhausted so i’m sure you are too. I’ll shake you down for information in the morning,” 

Alina relaxed at that, following her best friend into her bedroom, stealing a set of pyjamas to change into. She looked herself over in the mirror, Alina was a little taller than Genya, and usually a little more filled out, but the clothes seemed to hang off her hips and Alina had to tighten them with the silk strap. Alina left the room to find Genya watching her, sitting crossed legged on the bed and her perfectly shaped brows knitted together in concern. 

Her voice was shook as she spoke, “You’re okay, right?” 

Alina let out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, moving to slide between Genya’s sheets and nestle into her fluffy covers. She looked up at Genya as she lay there, finally comfortable, finally worry free and exhausted. Genya curled up beside her best friend.

Alina replied honestly, “Not at the moment, but I will be,” 

//

Alina awoke the next morning to have the covers ripped from her grasp. She let out a surprise yelp as the cold air hit her skin, immediately raising goosebumps and curling into a ball in an attempt to stay warm and comfy. 

“Up,” Genya said flatly, ignoring Alina’s protests. 

“Why,” Alina mumbled, sitting up to glare at her best friend. Genya stood at the foot of the bed, dressed in her bright and colourful exercise clothes; a forest green pair of tights and a matching sports bra with a crossed back. Her hair sat tied up in a perfect ponytail, little bits falling out to curl around her heart shaped face. Alina cursed her friend for being so perfect. 

Genya grinned devilishly, “Because, today is the day Alina starts anew,” 

Alina dreaded what that meant, grumbling her way out of bed and into the shower. Genya followed her around, chatting as she placed a change of clothes at the door to the bathroom, sky blue sports wear with gold trimming, a set Genya had bought her months ago but Alina refused to wear. Today she had no choice. 

“Nikolai texted earlier to check on you,” Genya smiled, “He’s sweet but saints is he annoying,”

Alina rolled her eyes, “I know,”

“Anyway, I finally got him to spill the beans on last night,” her smile turned into a frown, “You should’ve told me what happened. I’m sorry,” 

Alina held up a hand, “Please don’t. It needed to happen and I need to move on,”

“Exactly,” Genya’s smile creeped Alina out just a little, “Today is the day for a new everything. We’re gonna clean the heck out of your apartment, get new sheets, new pillow cases, change some furniture around, make it all new and refreshing,”

“So we’re going to feng shui my life?” Alina deadpanned but Genya nodded enthusiastically. 

“Then we’re going to go to the spa and get you all rejuvenated and hydrated before we do something with your hair,” 

Alina frowned, her hands instinctively moving to run her fingers through her dark hair. Sure, it was a bit dry and in desperate need of a cut but the way Genya spoke, it sounded like she had big plans. Plans Alina wasn’t sure she wanted. 

“I don’t want anything too… different,” Alina said slowly, eyes narrowing in suspicion as Genya batted her thick eyelashes. 

“Not at all,” she said sweetly, “Now let’s go, I want the details on your breakup because I can tell you now David is having a lot of fun dealing with Aleksander,” 

Alina took in a deep breath, strapping herself into Genya’s car as she started to tell her best friend all about the shit Aleksander had said and just how badly she didn’t want to go back into her apartment. Genya cringed at some points, her eyes darkening at the mention of Aleksander’s last words to Alina, but she remained silent through the story. 

“You left all your windows and stuff open?” she asked in disbelief and Alina nodded. 

“It’s going to be freezing in there,” 

“At least it’s better than haunted?” Alina tried to sound nonchalant, but all it did was make Genya look at her with a raised eyebrow. The two pulled up to Alina’s home, and Genya moved through the apartment slowly, checking out each and every room, cupboard and wardrobe at Alina’s somewhat childish request to make sure there were no shadow monsters, or ex boyfriends, lurking around. 

“It’s all clear ya big baby,” Genya waved her inside, “Now I figured we could strip everything to bring it back to my house for a wash,” 

Alina tuned out Genya’s plans, choosing instead to pay close attention to the ways things were in this moment. Cold, familiar, sad. Everything would change, everything would be different from now on, but Alina felt like she needed to say goodbye to this part of her. The apartment hadn’t changed since Aleksander had come into her life, and now that she’d asked him to leave it, it felt like the right thing to update it, to turn it into something untainted by the train wreck that was their relationship. 

Alina and Genya had stripped every pillow case, blanket, sheet, doona cover and cushion case, throwing them in garbage bags to be transported back to Genya’s for cleaning and storage. The two would decide later if Alina could keep them as spares or donate them to Goodwill. They fiddled with the placement of her couch, moving it to sit with it’s back to the kitchen, facing the front windows of the apartment with the TV sitting in the opposite corner. It was fresh and would allow Alina to sit in the sunlight every morning. They moved her bed in a similar fashion, the headboard resting against the window to allow sunlight to wash over Alina each day to wake her up, her beside tables sitting on their respective sides, no longer blocking part of the wardrobe. 

It was a completely new layout, and with new sheets and colour schemes, as Genya excitedly chatted about at length, it would look like a whole new apartment. Genya gathered every last photo of Aleksander that sat around, any of him with their friends, or with Alina, stuffing them in a shoe box and tucking it safely away in the back of the linen closet. 

Alina loved everything that Genya was doing with the makeover, the apartment shouldn’t make Alina uncomfortable to be alone anymore, but she still felt some resistance to the idea. 

“I know hon,” Genya smiled, tossing a duffle bag onto the bed, “I can see that you’re still nervous, so you’re crashing in my guest room for a while,” 

Alina didn’t even bother to argue, she didn’t want to, she just simply shoved as many pairs of clothes and underwear that she could fit into her bag. Genya scooped up Alina’s phone, purse and handbag before making her rounds to check everything once last time, locking all windows and the front door behind them. 

Alina had several missed messages on her phone. Some from Mal, which she deleted, but three from Aleksander, all venturing somewhere from “I miss you,” to “You’ll want me back soon enough.” Alina glanced over at Genya, considering showing her the messages, instead choosing just to delete them and move on. He would stop eventually. He would get over her eventually. 

The others were from Nikolai. 

“I found your number!” one read, the time indicating he’d sent it almost immediately after dropping Alina at Genya’s. 

“I’m going to bed now, sunshine, call if you need anything,” read another and Alina couldn’t help but feel grateful she’d run into someone as kind as him. 

“Aren’t you lucky you ran into someone as pretty and helpful as me ;P” Alina rolled her eyes, could past Nikolai be reading her mind? It had been sent soon after his goodnight text, and she wondered if he had nothing better to think of. There were two from this morning, one asking if she was okay, the other freaking out at her lack of a reply. Alina assumed that was when he texted Genya. 

Alina typed out her response, “Thanks for your help. Sorry for the late reply, only just picked up my phone,” 

“I was starting to think you gave me a false phone number all those months ago,” came his immediate response. 

“Im starting to wish I had,” 

“Oh you wound me, sunshine. Lucky for you I am a forgiving man and will accept coffee as an apology,” 

“Lucky for me I just decided to take a break from all guys oops sorry,” 

Alina smirked, slipping her phone back into her handbag. She felt a strange sense of satisfaction getting the last word in with Nikolai, her mind flashing back to seeing him grin down at her in surprise and amusement. She felt her phone vibrate in her bag, and a sudden jolt of excitement shot through her before being squashed quickly by guilt. An intense longing for Aleksander left her skin itching, like a million ants were crawling over every inch of her body. Alina sat there, her chest aching, there was something about heartbreak that broke everything inside of her. It felt like her heart was pulling away, trying to shut itself down, until she was shaking, unsure of what to do next. 

// 

Genya pulled Alina around town all day, chatting her ears off about proper skin care routines, buying her all kinds of soaps and makeups. Genya ducked quickly into a drug store, emerging with hair supplies that she refused to show Alina, merely saying they were for her new style and leaving it at that. Alina was terrified at what she was going to do, but she allowed it, and by the end of the day she was hydrated, smooth, and sat infront of a mirror covered with a towel. 

Alina could smell all the chemicals, though she didn't dare try to see what they were lest Genya pinch her again. Genya pinched very hard and it was something Alina would like to avoid. She felt Genya pull at her hair but Alina kept her eyes closed, not wanting to see how much hair she was actually cutting off. 

An hour later, Genya had her lean over the bathtub, using a jug to pour warm water over her scalp, rubbing slightly to get everything out. When her hair was all dried and styled to Genya’s liking, Alina was placed in front of a mirror with small hands covering her eyes. 

“If you don’t like it we can always change it,” Genya assured, “But it’s me so of course you’re going to like it,”

“Of course,” Alina deadpanned, rolling her eyes, but anticipation swirled in her stomach. Genya removed her hands and Alina stood in front of someone she barely recognised. She focused on her brown eyes first, they were still tired, the dark circles underneath them eased a little but they were still there and it provided a small sense of comfort. Alina’s skin was smooth, a little too pale, but the bronzed tone to her skin was slowly making it’s way back. Her cheeks were a subtle rosy pink and lips unchapped and soft. That alone was an improvement to her, but then Alina’s gaze found her hair. 

It was white.

Not blonde, not yellow, white. It sat in smooth waves over her shoulders, Genya hadn’t taken anything off the length beyond whatever was dead and split, but she’d framed it around her face a lot better, adding a deep set side fringe for a change. Surprisingly, Alina didn’t hate it despite the obvious change from dark brown to a literal white the same shade as copying paper, but she found it suited her rather well. it seemed to glow, to give off a light that was refreshing and new and brought a whole new look to her overall appearance. 

Alina opened her mouth, unsure of what to say, before she merely gasped, “I love it,” 

“I knew you would,” Genya smiled genuinely, “I know it’s different but it’s a good different,”

“It really is,” 

“I have a toner to put in, in a dew days to help it retain it’s nice colour for a bit longer, but you’ll need to use a special shampoo to keep it from going yellow,” 

Alina nodded, a little annoyed at the amount of upkeep the hair colour alone would take, but at least it would force her into a self care routine and she needed that gentle nudge. 

Alina received another message from Aleksander that night, though she deleted it without opening it. She felt the sadness come in stages, an overwhelming feeling of loss seizing Alina’s chest until eventually it was just a dull ache in the pit of her stomach. She ignored more messages from Nikolai, she didn’t deserve to find happiness in other’s company, Alina wasn’t enough for anyone just yet. She was too much blood and too easy to break but she’d accepted that about herself, but she didn’t need to drag someone as happy and confident as Nikolai into her mess, too. 

One day had passed since the breakup and it was like she was having withdrawals. Every part of Alina wanted to text Aleksander, wanted to go to his apartment but the lump in her chest kept her at Genya’s house. The worst part wasn’t even the hateful longing that she felt, it was the unbearable silence at night. Aleksander had brought a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘you took my breath away’ because he stole it, kept it and left Alina breathless and winded.


	8. Chapter 8

Alina’s days were filled with wanting Aleksander. She spent her time going out with Genya, getting David to catch her up on anything she’d missed in classes and wandering through book stores alone. It was a comfort she had, trying to find old books she’d loved when she was a child, but something dark followed her everywhere she went. It was like a shadow, attached to the shoulder with long faded marks. 

Alina responded to Nikolai’s messages. He never ceased to entertain her and always found a way to lighten her mood even on the days her body shook with an anxiety she couldn’t place. Alina liked the distraction while she was out on her own, the messages took her mind off the shadows she saw move in the corners of her eyes and the sickening feeling that she was being watched. 

“Come meet me for lunch,” he wrote, and Alina shook her head. He always seemed to know when she was lonely, or at least she always realised just how lonely she was when he invited her out and she declined. She was afraid of getting too close to him. Alina wanted to keep Nikolai at a distance, a very flaky distance where she responded to texts but never enough that implied they were actual friends who’d hang out, but she always wanted to pull him closer at the same time. Alina didn’t know how to balance the storm of emotions raging inside of her and it frustrated her to no end.

“Sorry, I’m out looking at books and that’s a sacred activity I refuse to let your endless energy tarnish,” Alina responded, adding a winky face to keep the tone light hearted even though there was some truth in what she’d said. Alina already felt like Aleksander was with her everywhere she went, she didn’t know if she could handle the hard shift between crawling anxiety and snarky banter. 

“The good thing about books is that anyone can love them. Namely me. So really all you’re missing out on is my stellar taste in fiction,” came Nikolai’s response. Alina knew he wasn’t fazed by her rejections, he was never really invested in meeting up with her, it had just became a joke between them. But Alina wondered what it would be like to actually let herself be friends with him. Just because she was broken and breaking apart all the same didn’t mean she couldn’t try. Alina needed to get some new friends, just because Nikolai would become on of the first didn’t mean she had to develop anything for him aside from friendly love, she had nothing to be afraid of. 

“Fine,” Alina typed out a quick response before she could change her mind. Telling him to hurry up and get to the book store on Williams street before she left to go to another without him. He arrived not 5 minutes later, car keys in hand and grin plastered wide on his smug face. 

“Everyone calls me in the end,” he gloated and Alina couldn’t hold back the smile he brought out. 

“It’s because people like to laugh at you,” she joked, guilt and regret eating away at her insides.

Nikolai’s gaze flicked to her hair and Alina cursed under her breath, “Speaking of laughing at you, you seemed to have aged a few years since I saw you last,”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she rolled her eyes, turning away and disappearing down an isle of biographies in an attempt to run away. 

“Come back,” Nikolai laughed, “You’ll break a hip trying to move that fast,” 

Despite the jokes, Nikolai was really fun to hang out with. He had okay taste in books, but Alina was horrified to find that he hadn’t heard of her favourite fantasy series ever, Six of Crows. She’d read it with Aleksander, yelling at him on countless occasions when he said that Kaz was a bad person who didn’t deserve love because boy was he wrong. Alina’s heart sank and she hated that her favourite series was almost tainted by the memory.

“I’ll read it,” Nikolai settled, if only to calm her ranting about character development and tragic backstories. Alina got a little carried away when it came to characters she was particularly protective of, but Nikolai liked the way she seemed to light up. He had been too worried about her since that night, she looked like she’d waste away in that parking lot if he didn’t get her to someone she knew, but he’d never let her know just how worried he actually was. 

Alina found it kind of funny how she managed to fold herself so perfectly, hiding all of her shitty feelings and paranoias behind thick smiles and heavy laughter. She hid the way her skin prickled whenever someone with dark hair walked passed them, or the way she shivered with fear and excitement at anything that reminded her of Aleksander. Alina pushed herself to smile more, to act like she was dealing with everything and it worked. It all seemed so easily around Nikolai, like she really was okay instead of a giant mess waiting to rot away back on Aleksander’s sheets. 

The two chatted throughout the day, moving from store to store, just browsing, until Alina lead them to a park down by the waterfront. She loved this place, but stopped coming a while ago since Aleksander hated the sea for some reason. He’d never told her why, only that it was dirty and boring, but Alina loved the salty smell of the ocean and she had her bench that sat under an old willow tree, looking over the waves that crashed underneath the pier. Alina honestly wished she could’ve shared this place with Aleksander and something inside of her wanted Nikolai to be him. 

“I really do like your hair,” Nikolai said, tilting his head to the side, “makes you look more like moonlight than sunshine, now,” 

“Is that my new nickname, then?” Alina rolled her eyes.

“Nah, you’ve still got that sunny personality,” he laughed, but something about him was tense. Alina wanted to ask, but she didn’t want anything serious to bring them down. She was afraid that she would show too much of herself and he’d realise that Alina was more trouble than she was worth. 

Alina almost stood and ran for it when Nikolai said, “You should forget about him,” 

She sat there, her heart beating a million miles per minute at the mere thought of forgetting him. 

“It’s not that easy,”

“I know but-,”

“No, you don’t know,” Alina started and suddenly it was pouring out of her, “I cannot just forget someone that I loved that much. I didn’t want to end things with Aleksander, If I was stronger I could’ve made things work, I could’ve knocked his stupid ass ego down and grown with him instead of breaking apart in his hands,”

“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Nikolai said sincerely, but Alina wasn’t done. He’d opened this flood gate of emotion and now he was going listen to it and never speak to her again. Just what Alina had wanted to avoid. 

“Don’t apologise,” she sighed, chest heaving and breath trying to escape her, “but don’t act like you know what’s happening. This isn’t just a normal break up, this me trying to purge myself of whatever fucked up charade of normalcy i’d been living in for months. This is me trying to forget that I tried to help the man I loved and ended up enabling the dark habits that only served to break me,” 

Nikolai chewed on his lip for a moment, considering his next move. “Can I say something?” 

Alina gestured for him to continue, there was no holding back now. She panted in short, sharp breaths, keeping her eyes closed to focus of steadying her pulse. Nikolai was warm beside her.

“My dad cheated on my mom, pretty badly and with someone much, much younger than the both of them,” Nikolai started and Alina failed to see how this was relevant, “When I say get rid of him, forget him, I mean symbolically,” 

Alina opened her eyes, her gaze locking with the Hazel eyes beside her. Her breath started to even out. It was difficult and strained, like she’d just walked up 10 flights of stairs but at least she wasn’t struggling to keep her lungs from bursting. 

Nikolai continued, “You keep checking your phone and I guess Aleksander has probably texted you, but he knows that you’re looking for his messages now. Leave your phone behind for a bit, come hang out here, stack rocks in a pile and pretend you’re burying your love alive and leave it there,” 

He had turned to face Alina properly, his easy breezy smile finding it’s way back to his lips. Nikolai seemed like he was in his zone, excited and fired up by the thought of Alina getting her strength together and learning how to move on. It was inspiring to say the least. 

“Alina, be sad but don’t sit in it. Burn your hair with bleach, cut it, revel in the change and in the new you. You’re going to heal differently to other people, and maybe not as fast,” Alina nodded, her jaw tight but every nerve in her body was alight with something unfamiliar, a yearning that didn’t burn her insides to ashes. Nikolai’s words seemed to float over her with a coolness that eased the aching at her shoulder, “You said you feel like a void, but empty doesn’t mean endless. It means more room for new things, new people, new feelings. It’s okay if when you think of him you’re on the verge of crying, don’t hide it, don’t fold yourself so tightly and perfectly that you can’t breathe.” 

Nikolai took in a deep breath, almost like he was showing her how to do it and Alina found herself taking a deep breath in with him. NIkolai’s words came out fast, like he was trying to get it all out before Alina had the chance to run away. 

“Start from scratch. You’re alive and that’s a good thing, he tried to kill the loving parts of you but you’re still growing. You’re a person who’s been entirely hurt, you don’t have to prove that you’re doing better, you just have to learn to live without him. My mom left my dad, left financial security and a comfortable home and smiled even though he’d started openly dating the mere girl he’d had an affair with. My mother always said that being happy is the best revenge, so learn to forget him, learn to be happy again and know that you literally had nothing and still made it out in the end,” 

Alina had no words, no sounds to express what she felt in that moment, other than, “Wow,” 

“I know, right,” Nikolai laughed, “Not the speech you’d expect from such a pretty face,” 

Alina barked a laugh, a genuine laugh and she felt all the stress and pressure ease off her shoulders. In that moment, she wasn’t thinking about Aleksander like he was an addiction, she wasn’t really thinking about him at all for once, 

“Your dad sounds like a dick,” she sighed and Nikolai shrugged. 

“Everyone’s family is a little fucked up. I’m sure your family closet has it’s own fair share of skeletons,”

“Skeletons maybe,” Alina smirked, “I’m an orphan,” 

Nikolai burst out laughing, drawing attention from passersby, “Sunshine, you might just be the most interesting person I’ve met in a while,” 

Alina and Nikolai spent an hour sitting on that bench, laughing and sharing hilariously sad stories from their past, right down from Alina’s messy crush on her foster brother to Nikolai’s humiliating older brother. He drove Alina back to Genya’s in comfortable silence and she felt something foreign stir in her chest, something pleasant for once. For the first time Alina let herself feel it, hope, like things were looking up, like she could actually be friends with someone like Nikolai. 

One week with Aleksander and her desire to see him was fading from her body. She’d stopped feeling the pull towards his apartment, his bed. Alina had begun to go back to the girl who hung out with her friends and wandered through the city, the girl who had fun before Aleksander’s storm locked her inside. 

Alina made dinner for Genya that night, smiling excitedly as she brought up new ideas for the colours Alina wanted to decorate her apartment with. 

It was time for her to go home, alone, and learn to live with the darkness Aleksander left behind.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so long to update <3 i got super sick so i'm gonna spend some time in hospital :') more time to write tho right ehehe

Gold, Orange, Yellow and white filled Alina’s apartment. The new colour scheme had brought an airiness to her home, catching the natural sunlight that filtered through the windows and held onto the warmth. Genya had outdone herself, it was like a whole new place and suited Alina’s new look perfectly. 

“It’s gorgeous,” Alina breathed, staring wide eyed at the sky blue comforter that covered her bed. 

“It’s suits you,” Genya smiled, giving her best friend one last hug before running off to work. Alina never would have imagined that orange and gold would be her colours, but here she was with them splattered throughout her house and happiness fluttered inside her chest. She wasn’t even thinking about the darkness that moved in the corner of her eyes or the feeling of someone watching that prickled the skin on the back of her neck. She was happy to be home and on her own for the first time in a few weeks. Alina padded through her bright apartment, fingers running over cushion covers and eyes lingering on the gold embroidery on her curtains. Aleksander wouldn’t have liked it, or more that he wouldn’t have found it tasteful. He was all hard edges, dark colours and hard wooden furniture while Alina had found herself admiring the strength in softness. 

Alina made herself some tea, heaping in the sugar to satisfy the massive sweet tooth she’d found herself with lately. Genya had stuffed her with that many sweet pastries and breads that Alina almost felt like she’d started having withdrawals. She’d put some weight back on, filling out the clothes that had barely clung to her a week ago and Genya had done a terrible job at containing her relieved grins. Alina hadn’t heard from David in a few days though, and Genya blowing off Alina’s questions set off alarm bells in her head, but she let him have his space. David had been the one to check on Aleksander since everything happened, and Alina felt kind of bad for leaving him with that job but there was nothing she could do. David had known him far longer than she had and it was no longer her place. 

It finally felt like her heart was piecing itself back together. It was getting easier to breathe but it felt like something, a part of him, was still lodged in Alina’s chest. It rattled with every breath but she was getting used to it, Alina had almost come to enjoy the feeling because it reminded her of what she had left behind, but she had overcome it and it was a reason to be proud. 

But a darkness lurked inside. It was a desperate hum that coursed through her veins and it left her shaking and buzzing with a need to run. It was the remnants of a storm that once had a home inside of her chest but that hole had scabbed over and it needed to find another home. Alina found ways to calm it down, she lulled it to sleep with hot tea, a shower or a movie sad enough for her own emotions to push it out of the way. There were sometimes, though, that it refused to fade. Alina knew what it wanted, who it wanted, and it roared his name like a hungry beast. She couldn’t even imagine going back to Aleksander but good god, times likes these made her miserable. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss the thunderous howl in her chest, she’d be lying if she said she still didn’t feel something for Aleksander, because Alina found herself padding towards her bedroom, eyes flicking to the wall that she’d been crushed again many times and heat kissed her skin. 

She hated this feeling, this need for Aleksander, but it was less painful back home in her apartment. That shadows embraced her, and Alina ignored the way they made her skin crawl in an uncomfortably familiar way. It felt like he was near, like he was watching and Alina hated the way she dragged her fingers across her skin, imaging the way it would drive him insane. 

Alina loved Aleksander and she wished more than anything that she didn’t want him back. 

//

Alina woke with a start, breath heaving and heart pounding. Sweat beaded on her forehead, sticking her hair to the back of her neck. Alina could have sworn she felt someone touch her cheek, but she saw nothing as her sleepy eyes scanned the room. 

Just shadows. 

They seemed to move around her, floating over her skin as she tried to wriggle her way out of the comforter. Just a dream, she told herself, just a dream. But the feeling of someone watching her was stronger than ever before and Alina felt panic rise in her throat as she all but threw herself out of the bed and towards the light switch. She shut her eyes as light coursed through the room and she waited a few moments for her eyes to adjust to the brightness beyond her eyelids. Alina cracked her eyes open, bit by burning bit and she nervously scanned the room. Everything was as it should be, aside from the tangle of blankets that sat in a lump in the middle of her bed. But there was something about it that seemed almost too perfect, too quiet. Alina didn’t feel alone, and she felt like it had something to do with the shadows that whispered her name from the kitchen. 

Alina’s heart was racing but her mind was clear, empty, and completely void of anything other than one name; Aleksander. Alina didn’t turn on the lights in the kitchen, she merely stared at the way the first light caught the gold in her curtains, and the way it played with the undertones of chestnut in his otherwise black hair. Aleksander almost seemed to glow, the rising sun caught behind his head in a hauntingly beautiful halo. Alina found it funny, even bathed in light he still looked liked he belonged with the shadows. They nipped at his heels, sticking close to his frame as the rising sun threatened to extinguish them. 

“Are you actually here right now?” Alina didn’t dare speak lower than a whisper, the shadows peeling back their lips in a silent growl. 

Aleksander simply glanced up at the curtains, running his fingers over the embroidery, “This is new,”

His voice suspended in the air in front of them, spiralling like their relationship and Alina hated the way her heart yearned for him. He took a step towards her, away from the light that hadn’t yet reached past the windowsill. 

He reached out to ghost his fingers over a curl at her shoulder, “Can’t say I like the change, but you do look… radiant,” 

Alina’s breath caught in her throat, Aleksander’s hands didn’t touch her, he remained almost a foot away from her and yet she felt everything. 

“What are you doing here?” Alina swallowed thickly, “You need to leave,” 

Aleksander breathed a low laugh, eyeing Alina up and down as he circled her like a hungry animal. “You don’t sound like your entirely sure I really am here,”

“Don’t play games with me,” Alina hissed, ignoring the way her heart pounded in her ears and the shadows that licked at her skin. 

“I could say the same thing to you,” he whispered, “I know that you want me back, I can see that you miss me,” Aleksander leaned in to ghost his lips over the shell of her ear, “I can feel it,”

“Well you feel wrong,” Alina stiffened, stepping into the sunlight, relishing in the warmth that dawned on her skin in place of the cold shadows. 

“Push me away all you want, but I’ll always come back,” Aleksander stood in cool confidence, “The sun may rise but darkness always follows,” 

Alina didn’t even know what that meant. She shut her eyes, trying to get a grip on the situation, all Alina knew was that he was here, dangerously giving her an easy in back to her intoxicating life and she was sending him away despite everything in her chest telling her otherwise. Alina took in a deep breath, willing her feet to move, to open the door and tell him to get the fuck out of her apartment, but when she opened her eyes Aleksander was gone and her apartment was filled with the light of morning. Nothing was out of place, the windows were closed, the door remained locked and the shadows went back to being silent and still. The hairs on her arms prickled but his presence was gone and Alina couldn’t help but wonder if he was even really there. 

Alina stood in her living room, staring at the place Aleksander had, or hadn’t, stood and she considered calling someone, Genya, Nikolai, David but she would’t even know where to begin. So she stood there, her mind running in circles and her stomach collapsing in on itself as she considered calling Aleksander. 

She picked up her phone, fingers itching to find a certain contact but she scrolled past A right down to N. Her fingers shook as she typed and re-typed her message. 

_I think Aleksander was in my apartment_ - nope.   
_Someone broke in_ - absolutely not.

Alina sighed in frustration, tossing her phone onto the couch and padding back towards her bedroom, but what she saw on her now perfectly made bed made her freeze. A black phone stood out like a sore thumb against the sky blue comforter and Alina had to force herself to breathe as she took a few tentative steps towards it. There was no way this was happening, it had to be a dream, but as she got closer to her bed, the screen lit up with a message. 

It was good to see you. Maybe next time you won’t be so rude. 

It sent her mind reeling, stomach dropping in horror at everything. It seemed so fictional, so crazy and outrageous that she refused to believe it. Yet here she was, watching the images of her apartment filter through the phone’s messages, snaky comments commenting on the decor, saying how she'd look much better in black. She wanted to call Genya, Nikolai, anyone even Mal if it would make all of this go away, but instead she stood there trying not to think about how at home she felt in the storm.


	10. Chapter 10

The darkness was always there, no matter how good the day. Aleksander could feel it, a silver sea snake wrapped long scales around his throat, never ceasing to tighten it’s grip. 

He promised himself that today would be different, that he’ll go to sleep early and dream only of soft waves and peaceful oceans but it always turned into doe-eyed stare and sun kissed cheeks. At three a.m, he felt like he was drowning in sunlight, still horribly awake and yearning for someone he wished he had the strength to leave alone. His nights were filled with wanting her, with bruised knees and bloodied knuckles as his impulses left him scattered. Aleksander wanted to explain, but how did he explain that the door to his heart only swung open into hell. How did he explain that he kept everything under layers and layers of locks and folds of darkness and that he was nothing more than a shadow. 

Of course Alina ran from him. 

“You are a mistake in the making,” his mother shook her head after his first psychiatrist appointment, “but I will love you forever,” 

Every fire he started, his mother put out. She steered him away from trouble, kept him in school and protected him after the incident in middle school. They’d moved a lot, his consistent memory of ‘home’ was the back of their beat up old wagon. 

He was a mistake in the making and a tragedy wrapped up in one. In his dreams there’s a long silence beside him, like a river of shadows that dance and sway elegantly. Some nights he walks beside it, forgetting it could carry him away in an instant. Other nights it laps at his ankles and he’s terrified of falling back in, but each time he slips he forgets how to swim. 

When he wakes he’s sweating, anxiety humming in his eardrums like a swarm of bees. One name beat inside of his chest until it was all he could do to feel his beating heart. 

Alina.  
Alina.Alina.   
Alina.

She was the best thing he could think of, his focus point, his whole world and then some. Everything about his life happened in flashes, school years passed in the blink of an eye, the incident scittered through his mind like a wild animal, but she was the only constant he had to grab onto and good god he wanted to tell her.

He needed to tell her. 

Aleksander couldn’t calm down when he was like this. His hands shook, plagued by an anxiety he couldn’t place. He rifled through draws, finding the phone he’d kept as a spare and shoved it into his pocket. A gift, he thought, turning on his heel and hurrying out the door. Aleksander drove miles over the speed limit but nothing was happening fast enough. He needed to see her, speak to her, love her and Aleksander felt like nothing could stand in his way. The setting moon watched over him, the shadows propelling him forward as he strode towards her front door. They nipped at his heels in excitement and his mind flashed back to the river that lapped at his ankles, he was lost in the waves, Aleksander should’ve been drowning in the shadows. Instead he was treading water, and he breathed more clearly than ever, a sense of purpose flooding through him as he tried the lock to no avail. No matter, he had copies of the keys made months ago. He’d gotten scared she would lock him out with no warning, Aleksander had to be prepared. 

He made his way into the apartment, stepping lightly, confidently. This was his home, she was his home. 

Everything was different and the unease started to slither up his arms. The shadows stalled behind him, blinded by the tones of yellow, cream and gold muted by the early morning. First light wasn’t far off and shadows grew antsy. 

They wanted to hunt.

Aleksander moved to the bedroom, their bedroom, and his gaze fell on Alina’s sleeping frame. She was as perfect as ever and he wanted to shake her awake, wrap her in his arms and tell Alina that when he looked at her, all the lights went out in his heart and she was all he saw, her brightness, the suns swirling in her bloodstream. He wanted to tell her, somehow, the way it felt to be in her orbit but he didn’t have the words. 

He didn’t have anything without her. 

Aleksander stood beside the bed, it was darker in this room and the shadows taunted him. 

She is weak, they had his mother’s voice, barely has enough power to light a hallway let alone your gloomy soul. 

If only his mother could see what he did. Alina’s hair was white and shockingly, it felt right. She was light and airy, her sun kissed skin golden in contrast. The softness of Alina’s skin haunted him, he wanted to drag his fingers down her arm and almost as if he couldn’t control himself, almost, Aleksander reached out and every so slightly traced a finger over her cheekbone. Alina shifted in her sleep and Aleksander let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. The bees stopped buzzing in his ears, the world was quiet, only disturbed by the Alina’s soft, even breaths. She looked so peaceful, happy, unlike Aleksander. He wanted her back, needed her to love him because if she didn’t, who would. 

Aleksander turned to leave before he did anything too extreme, but he moved too fast and his mind went hazy. His vision blurred slightly as he tipped forward. His reached out a hand to steady himself, alarm flooding through him as he struggled to keep himself from falling onto Alina. HIs hand knocked into her with the slightest movement. Aleksander turned and strode silently and swiftly as possible, rounding the corner to the living room just as light flooded the bedroom. 

He fucked up. 

His heart pounded in his chest as he heard Alina move around. He could run away, she’d never now that he was here but he stood the risk of her calling the cops. Aleksander didn’t want to scare her, he didn’t mean to scare her but he screwed this up just like he had everything else. First light lit up the room, shadows moved around him like strings of darkness, nipping at his skin. 

She misses you, they hissed and goosebumps raised on Aleksander’s arms. Alina rounded the corner, moving slowly and surely as her gaze landed on Aleksander. She was beautiful, strong in her stance as she stared at Aleksander in disbelief. He could feel the warmth of light on his back, the shadows hissing at his ankles, squirming as the half light threatened them with it’s dawn. 

Alina was shadowed by the deepness of the apartment. It made her white hair stand out, a beacon in the night that had Aleksander yearning to reach out for her. 

“Are you actually here right now?” Alina whispered and Aleksander wondered if she was talking him. Her voice suspended in the air in front of them, spiralling in golden swirls. He looked up at the curtains, away from Alina in an attempt to keep himself in check. 

“This is new,” he was surprised at how even his voice sounded despite the thump thump thumping of this heart. The shadows grumbled at his feet and he moved forwards, away from the light, to settle them a little. Aleksander wanted to reach out and touch her hair, her soft, shiny hair and his hand was moving before he had the sense to stop it completely. He ghosted it over the waves at her shoulder, but he could feel the warmth, the electricity that was radiating off her her. 

He wanted to say so many things. He wanted to say come back i miss you, instead he said “Can’t say I like the change, but you look… radiant,” 

His tongue slipped, he wanted to say that he missed her even though she was never really his in the first place. Aleksander wanted to say that his nights were full of darkness and she was the light. He really just wanted to say "please, i keep thinking about you, i just need five minutes where we both pretend we’re okay, where i have you, where we melt into each other’s skin. Afterwards we can go back to being complicated again but please, just this once, hold me." 

But before he could, Alina’s breath caught in her throat as she said “What are you doing here? You need to leave,” 

Weak, the shadows hissed. She’s lying to herself.

Aleksander breathed a low laugh at the shadows, they were ignorant if they thought she was weak. 

“You don’t sound like you’re entirely sure I really am here,” Aleksander wasn’t sure he was even sure if he truly was there. His body vibrated with the familiar hum of anxiety and he had to pinch himself to keep him mind centered on reality instead of losing himself to the threat of dissociating. 

“Don’t play games with me,” Alina hissed, Aleksander’s skin seething with heat as the fire in her eyes smouldered. The shadows responded to her anger, smiling in sick satisfaction and passing over her cheek softly. She suited the darkness, it brought something… cold and hard out of her and Aleksander felt it call to him. 

You’ve waited a long time for her to come into her own, the shadows crooned, Together you could be strong. 

Aleksander felt the darkness slither inside of him, chilling his blood, numbing his nerves. He tried to push the dreamy haze away, but it was sweet like candy and just as addictive. He tilted his head to the side, “I could say the same thing to you,” he whispered, “I know that you want me back, I can see that you miss me,” 

Aleksander was spiralling, he was drowning in the river again and he didn’t know how to stop it. He leaned in to ghost his lips over the shell of Alina’s ear, just barely able to hold himself back, “I can feel it,” 

“Well you feel wrong,” Alina stiffened, stepping into the sunlight and the shadows cowered back around Aleksander’s ankles. The warmth bloomed over her skin, an untouchable layer of light. 

Aleksander thought of his favourite poet, her words ringing in his head as he said, “Push me away all you want, but I’ll always come back,” Aleksander felt like he was watching himself from afar, like it was someone else talking instead of himself, “The sun may rise but darkness always follows,” 

Alina closed her eyes and Aleksander failed to notice the temor in her hands. The darkness was in him now, it didn’t happen often anymore but when it did, Aleksander felt like he had no control, like it wasn’t really him that was real. He slipped passed Alina, heart steady and mind empty as he made her bed. 

Aleksander was shaking like a leaf in his mind, nausea flooding through him as tears burned the back of his throat, but it was like he was trapped in his own head as the shadows snaked around his arms like the strings of a puppet. He sat the pillows in place, ignoring the way the sky blue seemed to burn his skin, and placed the sleek black phone on the covers. Aleksander slipped back into the kitchen, blending in all too well into the early morning shadows as Alina made her way back into her own bedroom. 

Aleksander wanted nothing more than to wake up right now, to realise this was nothing more than another nightmare where the river drowned him, but instead the shadows moved him towards the front door silently. He closed it behind him, locking it in place as he headed back for his car. 

He felt empty, but something inside of him hurt. Aleksander didn’t think it was heartbreak but it was a god awful ache, almost like he’d left something important back in the apartment on a bed with sky blue blankets. 

You can’t divide the stars from night - from love there can be no respite.  
||Lang Leav||


End file.
